Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and die."
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.