Your spouse always makes a point of leaving fresh water on the nightstand for you before bed. It’s a little thing they started after you stayed at that one bed and breakfast. Then one night you reach for a sip at 2 a.m., and you grasp empty air. You immediately feel frustrated. You took that small gesture for granted.
It’s easy to do, especially in a long-term relationship. You each take on different roles, pick up tasks, or do the little things the other loves (like getting the coffee ready in the morning or putting gas in the car) that eventually become expected behavior.
You might even stop thanking each other for those things because, of course, your spouse knows you appreciate everything they do. Right? Or they should anyway. Proverbs 27:7 warns that even honey can lose its appeal when you’ve had your fill. Familiarity can work the same way in marriage.
The sweet things your spouse does or says can become so normal that you stop noticing them or stop expressing gratitude. But research suggests that actually hearing the words and feeling appreciated by a partner can help protect relationship satisfaction. So how can you tell when appreciation has transitioned into expectation?
1. You Keep Score of What They Forget.
“I can’t believe you forgot to…” might start more than a fair share of disagreements in your home. It doesn’t even matter what slipped your spouse’s mind. Whatever it was, you noticed, and you felt some sort of way about it.
Meanwhile, the dozens of things your spouse remembered that week barely register because the kids got bathed, the electricity bill got paid and the dishwasher got emptied per usual. What your spouse consistently does starts to feel normal, while the one thing they miss sticks out.
Philippians 4:8 says, “...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” In marriage, that can mean intentionally noticing what your spouse is doing right, rather than what they do wrong.
Say thank you. Before pointing out what your spouse forgot to do, make sure you express gratitude for the things they did. Your spouse needs to know their everyday efforts haven’t become background noise in your relationship.
2. You Give Everyone Else Your Best.
Your spouse is your safe space and the one person you can be fully yourself around. Sometimes, though, the person you love the most gets whatever attention and energy is left over. You laugh at your co-worker's joke on the Zoom call at 4 p.m. and then offer your spouse a frustrated sigh when they ask what’s for dinner an hour later. Taking your spouse for granted can look like offering your best patience and energy to everyone else because you presume your spouse will understand that you’re tired (or hangry).
Listen well. James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” Listening well shows your spouse they are still the most important person in your life. The next time they start telling you something, stop what you are doing when you can, turn toward them, and give them the same attention you would gladly give someone else.
3. You Expect Them to Be Responsible for the Same Things.
At some point in your marriage, your spouse became the one who always cleaned the bathroom or changed the oil in the car or scheduled and took the kids to the doctor. But since then, you’ve both been through job changes, you’ve moved from your apartment to a house, and instead of a baby, you blinked, and you have a third grader and a first grader.
Your circumstances changed, but the division of responsibilities hasn’t. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” While this verse isn’t talking about who cleans the tub, your marriage has seasons, too. And when yours changes, it can be a good time to talk about it. Taking your spouse for granted can look like expecting them to keep taking on the responsibilities simply because they always have.
Check In. Every so often, ask whether the way you divide things in your relationship still fits the season you’re actually living in right now. Start the conversation by saying: “I appreciate how you handle the grocery shopping and meal planning every week. I don’t ever want to take it for granted. Does it still work for you to take that on?”
4. You Treat Their Time as More Flexible.
Your spouse always gets the phone call from the school when the kids need to be checked out. Your spouse is also the one who goes into work late when the plumber needs to make a house call, or the dog needs to go to the vet.
That arrangement probably made sense at one point. But when one person is automatically expected to rearrange meetings, use PTO, cancel plans, and take on every last-minute interruption, it can start to send an unintended message: My time is protected and more important. Your time is available.
Honor your spouse’s time. Flexibility is a gift your spouse gives you, and it's easy to take for granted. Romans 12:10 says, “Honor one another above yourselves.” One practical way to honor your spouse is to treat their time as valuable, too. Before presuming they’ll be the one to bend because they usually have, ask, “Which one of us can make this work?”
5. You Stopped Pursuing Your Spouse.
Back in the early days, you’d carefully plan your date nights or drive 45 minutes just to spend 20 minutes at a cafe together during lunch. You loved their jokes and you’d spend hours talking together into the night. Now that the honeymoon phase is in the rearview mirror, you know their coffee order by heart, but you’ve stopped asking what’s on their heart.
God never stops pursuing you. First John 4:19 says, “We love because he first loved us.” He came after your heart before you ever looked for Him, and He hasn’t stopped. Your marriage gets to reflect a small piece of that love. Pursuing your spouse means you keep going after their heart long after you’ve already won it.
Plan the pursuit. Go after your spouse. Invite them to meet you for lunch on a date. Snuggle in your room and watch your spouse’s favorite movie. Sit outside under the stars and ask each other questions, like “What’s something you’ve been dreaming about lately?” Dig deeper with more questions. You and your spouse are always evolving.
Set Gratitude as Your Default.
Your spouse might not put a glass of water on your nightstand every night, but they are undoubtedly doing something like it. You can start noticing again with a little intentionality. Set a daily reminder on your phone to thank your spouse for something they did or said today. Then pray: Lord, open my eyes to the ways my spouse loves me every day. Forgive me for the moments I’ve taken them for granted. Help me say thank you out loud and often. Amen.
