Perfect marriages don’t exist. Period. One existed briefly in the Garden of Eden (and many pop up for the length of a curated photo to post on Instagram), but that’s fleeting. Every relationship deals with issues, frustrations, misunderstandings and times when loving or liking each other seems harder than it should.
Your marriage can also be where God reveals the places He is still shaping your heart and mind to be more like Him. When you read First Corinthians 13 at your wedding, “Love is patient, love is kind,” it sounded beautiful. But those words get very practical when you’re hurt, irritated, disappointed or tired of having the same argument.
Ignoring problems doesn’t make us more loving or more Christlike either. Here are three marriage problems you should never ignore and how to begin addressing them in a way that honors God (and your marriage).
1. One of You Pushes to Talk While the Other Pulls Away
You want to talk about what happened, but your spouse wants the conversation to be over. So you ask another question or follow them into the next room. They get more defensive or completely shut down. Before long, you’re not even talking about what started the conversation. You’re stuck fighting about the fight and every past argument you’ve ever had.
Relationship researchers call this the demand-withdraw pattern. In one study of 116 married couples, this pattern was associated with more anger and sadness, fewer positive interactions and less conflict resolution. James 1:19 offers a better rhythm: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
How to change the pattern: Put James 1:19 into practice by slowing the conversation down before anger takes over. When emotions start flaring, agree to put a pin in the conversation, but also agree on when you’ll come back to it. Try saying, “I can tell we’re both getting frustrated. Can we take a break for 30 minutes and talk again after that?” The pause gives you both a chance to become “slow to speak and slow to become angry” so you can return ready to listen.
And if you’re the one who tends to shut down, try saying, “I need a little time to think and process my feelings, but I do want to talk about this. Can we come back to it after dinner?” You’re not avoiding the conversation. You’re making space to come back with a calmer mindset and a better chance of actually hearing each other.
2. Resentment is Starting to Change How You Relate
Resentment can work like a dimmer switch. As the same disappointments, hurts or imbalances add up without being addressed, the light in your marriage slowly starts to fade. You find yourself extending less grace when your hangry spouse makes a rude comment. You start keeping a mental tally of who is giving more and who is carrying more. The specific details in your marriage may look different, but the result is the same: little by little, resentment turns the light down until the warmth and closeness you once felt are harder to see.
Hebrews 12:15 warns against letting a “bitter root” grow up to “cause trouble and defile many.” Bitterness starts in your heart. You may not recognize it at first, but left unchecked, resentment eventually affects what grows above the surface. Research suggests that hurt you keep carrying can spill into the way you talk, argue and relate to each other, eventually chipping away at how you feel about the marriage.
How to repair it: Start by getting underneath the irritation. The argument probably isn’t really about the laundry, the calendar or who forgot to do what. The deeper hurt may be, “I feel taken for granted,” “I feel like I’m carrying this by myself” or “I’m still hurt by what happened.”
Be honest about your feelings and what you need from your spouse. If the issue is an uneven load, make the invisible visible. Create a plan that works for you both. And if the resentment is linked to an old hurt, healing may still require an apology, changed behavior and time to rebuild trust.
3. You’ve Stopped Turning Toward Each Other
You turned toward each other at the altar and vowed to love each other through good times and bad. When you stop doing that or do it less, your relationship suffers. You had a rough argument with your teen, and it seems too complicated to explain, so you keep it to yourself. Or maybe something good happens, like you finished that huge project at work and you text your best friend to celebrate instead of your spouse.
Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Paul wasn’t specifically talking about marriage in that verse, but it’s a pretty good picture of what the connection between you and your spouse can look like. Marriage gives you someone to sit beside you when life hurts and celebrate with you when something goes right. One series of studies found that people who felt their partner responded to their good news with interest and enthusiasm also reported greater intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
How to repair it: Make a point of sharing your own life again. Tell your spouse the funny story or share the reel that made you think about your faith. Mention what you’re worried about. Celebrate the small win instead of keeping it to yourself.
And if you realize you’ve both gotten used to living alongside each other rather than sharing life together, name it. Try saying, “I miss talking to you about the little things. I want us to get back to sharing more with each other.”
Then keep an ear open for the ways your spouse invites you in. “You won’t believe what happened today.” “Come look at this.” “Guess what I heard.” Instead of offering a distracted “great,” turn toward your spouse and ask to hear more.
Don’t Ignore What God May Be Asking You to Repair
Invite God into the work of repair. Ask Him for wisdom, humility, patience and the courage to take the next right step toward a healthier marriage. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” When you stop ignoring the problem and start facing it together with God, you can change unhealthy patterns in your marriage.
You and your spouse don’t have to fix everything in your own strength either. God may use a pastor, a seasoned and trusted couple or a marriage counselor to help you see what you cannot see on your own and give you tools to move forward together.
