The Top 10 Things Divorce Taught Me About Relationships

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In the beginning, divorce offers primarily pain, loss, and tears.

It is a cataclysmic combustion of angst and emotion yet eventually it translates into an opportunity. It is a chance to open up to far greater lessons which may bring about a more mature view on relationships.

At the very least it offers a less idealist lens through which to peer at love.

It is not unusual that wonderful lessons are born of hearty pain. And divorce fosters such a magnitude of emotional discomfort it forces you to make necessary changes in yourself, your life, and your current and future relationships.

It is a detox of sorts or what could be considered a healthy relationship cleanse.

This stems in part from hard earned lessons of self-discovery. Initially you go to counseling certain all the fault is with your spouse. If you are dedicated enough to remain long enough you learn this is only partially true. Hence, it is a perfect opportunity to learn difficult truths about why you chose the partner you did and how you arrived at this difficult relationship crossroad.

It is a humbling experience to understand tough lessons about family of origin and the roles people play in relationships. And the fact, that your own life experiences often determine how you choose the one you love.

Thus, making divorce less about overall blame and more about self-empowerment and self-improvement. It is a chance to feel less victimized and more accountable. It can promote the awareness of much needed personal boundaries and self-protection.

Divorce also flips the mistaken perception relationships are strictly about two people.

Instead, it forces the realization relationships stem from one person. And exactly how emotionally healthy that individual is determines how healthy the spouse they attract themselves to.

Therefore, the exciting truth is you do have more control in attracting yourself to healthy and happy relationships. This is the result of the ever-indomitable heart relenting long enough to listen to the ever more rational head.

When someone doesn't fight enough to be a part of two they deserve to be left a party of one.

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The person you love should feel you are worth fighting for in good times and in bad.

If relationship problems arise and your spouse is apathetic it’s a serious concern. One that for whatever reason many are willing to overlook. It’s easy to blame the apathy on other things such as a partner’s difficult personality or their potential unhappiness.

These are not sufficient excuses. All individuals experience unhappy times and difficult personalities need to evolve and mature if they are to engage in good unions.

Relationships can’t care for themselves. You need the one you love to be as equally involved as you are. No, that doesn’t necessarily mean in terms of household chores, professions, etc. What it does mean is they need to ‘care’ as much about the health and emotional wealth of the relationship as you do. They also need to be mature and devoted enough to commit to resolving conflict and moving forward.

If someone isn’t fighting for you it’s time to fight for yourself.

You can't hold onto people who are already slipping through your fingers.

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If you have tried with no apparent success to hold onto the one you love it is time to release your grip. It’s the old adage, “if you love something set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If not, it was never meant to be.”

You can’t will a person to remain in a relationship. If for whatever reason, love feels like it is disappearing it’s not possible for just one person to reclaim it. Whether your significant other is having an affair, acting distant, never home, or ignores you, they are drifting in other directions.

The natural impulse is to hold on for dear life and for fear of the unknown. In actuality, value yourself enough to acknowledge this never should have happened in the first place. Perhaps the relationship was never strong enough to endure or has run its full course.

It’s not necessarily worth holding on to a love which has willingly jumped out of your life.

The absence of a relationship far outweighs the existence of an unhealthy one.

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There is nothing more beautiful than two hearts who choose to become one. To quote the title of the 1955 movie, “Love is a Many-Splendored Thing.”

But in order to thrive it must be tended to. When love is healthy it can set your world on fire both personally and professionally. It can propel your day with energy and meaning and goodness.

When love is failing it can torch your world both personally and professionally. It can deplete your day of energy and meaning and goodness.

Yet all too often it’s easier to stay in a deteriorating relationship. There are many reasons for this. There is the fear of leaving. There is the strength it takes to acknowledge the love has turned unhealthy. There is the hope and optimism things will get better. There is the tenacity of holding onto family. And there is the lack of awareness to what a truly healthy and loving relationship is made of.

Drop the excess unhealthy weight in favor of a lighter emotional health.

Not all relationships survive and miraculously herein lies the potential of one to again thrive.

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When a relationship falters it quite literally signals the end of your world. It is an avalanche of angst coupled with a ready does of resistance. To say the loss of love disrupts your world would be an understatement.

Love is what life is built upon. The shaking of that foundation makes it seem nearly impossible to begin again. Yet there is huge potential in rebuilding anything. It is the opportunity to rethink design, function, needs, strengths, and weaknesses.

This is the perfect time for a life assessment. You are no longer a part of two which means it’s the opportune time to strengthen just one. To attend to all the internal repairs, you neglected while focusing so intently on another or on repairing your relationship.

Your world didn’t really end. Quite the opposite, it opened up to miraculous future possibilities and your own emotional makeover.

The relationship didn’t survive so that you could thrive.

There is nothing noble about enduring misery or abuse in the name of keeping it all together.

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Family is precious, and children are the greatest blessing in this life. It stands to reason parents are willing to compromise anything for these wondrous gifts in their world. It is the primary cause of choosing to remain in extremely bad marriages. The often misguided, belief staying and keeping the family together in an unhealthy or abusive situation is better than leaving.

Children thrive under the example of strong and loving parents. If that means living apart will provide a better upbringing it is sadly necessary. There is nothing noble about enduring prolonged misery or abuse. If anything, it sets a terrible example.

If you are suffering your children are suffering too. Children are supremely smart beings. They see even what you do not think they see. And they are often much wiser than their older counterparts. They can recognize a situation they no longer want to be in.

Sometimes keeping it all together means allowing it to temporarily fall apart.

Love should be expressed not implied.

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It’s not uncommon to hear an individual claim their spouse already knows they love them. Therefore, why have to demonstrate it?

Because this is a lazy love.

Of course, by true definition one of the benefits of love is the luxury of feeling lazy with your spouse – occasionally. Not all of the time. People need to feel loved. This would be fairly evident by the popularity of the New York Times Bestselling novel "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. There’s no greater proof human beings look for love in a wide variety of forms.

If you are in a relationship with someone who does not feel the need to express love, then chances are you probably don’t feel loved. Not to mention, love should not be selfishly withheld but rather generously gifted.

Implied love is a ritualistic relationship and expressed love an emotionally intimate relationship.

Knowing and feeling love are the difference between watching and experiencing it.

The presence of 'ego' means the absence of 'relationship.'

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A big ego leaves little room for anyone else to reside in a relationship. It ends up becoming a union in ‘name only.’ Two individuals who revolve around only one of the partner’s wants, needs, views, and beliefs.

If you are in a relationship with someone who leads with their ego it can be difficult to see. Chances are you strong and confident and willing to concede and compromise. As well as primarily content with the happiness of those around you and swift conflict resolution. Therefore, it can take many years before you tire of a demanding significant other to recognize the extent of their ego.

Immature egos usually lead with control. Another quality which is counterintuitive to an equal partnership. They often disregard their spouses wants and needs because of their disrespectful nature. An over-sized ego is accustomed to getting their way and has a limited world view.

This type of relationship is a union in name only. It exists because of the yin and yang of a difficult personality and a more affable personality.

If ego is present a relationship is absent.

The idealist believes in only one romantic love and for the lucky that can be true.

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It’s a fairy tale notion the theory of one true love and it is experienced by a lucky few. The wondrous part? It actually does exist. You just may not be fortunate enough to have experienced it.

This doesn’t mean you won’t get a second chance. Look at Johnny and June or Ronnie and Nancy. Both the country crooners and our former President and First Lady had been married before they met one another. Had they insisted on holding onto romantic ideals they would have missed the chance of falling for their one true love.

What is even more encouraging? There are plenty of other examples of well-known love affairs which were second or even third marriages. More importantly, this demonstrates holding on to the notion you will never find another love, means you may miss your own ‘second’ fairy tale.

The idealist believes in just one love and the realist believes in waiting for the right love.

The realist understands there is another romantic love waiting once you open yourself up to it.

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If you are a realist, you embrace the notion there is truly more than one person in this world you can be attracted to. You do not subscribe to a limited relationship philosophy or you may end up alone. Which is fine if that is what you choose. You applaud the Johnny and June’s but are content if you do not achieve it.

The realist is more interested in the exciting potential of building another story not necessarily perfection.

This is more or less an extension of embracing yet letting go of the fairy tale. Fairy tales come in all shapes and sizes. They come in all different settings with all different princes and princesses. That’s why there have been so many written. The beginning, middle and ends are well, endless.

The realist embraces the endless possibilities of being alone, dating or ultimately finding the one.

Love will come calling when you open yourself up to it.

Relationships are a 'relay,' it's in the first two syllables, a constant back and forth without which you will lose at love.

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It’s funny most do not recognize the word itself conveys the necessity for combined participation. It clearly states it is a ‘relay.’ If more people gained this simple insight it would be difficult to forget what has been entered into.

You can embrace the visual image of what the word implies, a constant back and forth between two individuals. This means all of the most valuable human assets should be rebounding off of one another, i.e., love, kindness, generosity, respect, selflessness and more.

It also means taking care to pass the baton when your partner begins to fatigue. Be that cleaning, parenting, professions, family obligations, etc. There should be no unusual burdens placed continually upon one spouse.

Most importantly, this eradicates dangerous ‘roles’ couples often slide into. One spouse left with a certain obligation and the other spouse left with other obligations. While traditional roles may work for some, they eventually can cause an imbalance in the relationship. They also promote individual worlds rather than relay interactions.

You won’t win a love relay without a constant back and forth.

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Very few willingly choose the end of their relationship. It is often a last resort. Relationship lessons are hard earned, and divorce is an excellent teacher. Initially, you spend a tremendous amount of effort invested in the heartache and then you regain the optimism to pick yourself back up.

This is where hope meets possibilities. It is where self-reflection and great counseling can lead you towards an even better future. You now have a richer understanding of who you are and why you make certain relationship choices.

You are now positioned to invest wisely in yourself and reap the emotional profits both personally and in your relationships. The future has never looked brighter.

There you have it the top ten things divorce taught me about relationships.

Initially, these threaten to break you.

In the end, they make you.