How Great Thou Part

How Great Thou Part

Actions That Signify Danger in a Relationship

posted by corme

There are small things that mean bigs things in a relationship.

Are you in a relationship with someone that during an argument or when you are attempting to express your feelings:

Walks out of the room or out of the house?
Sits silently with absolutely no response?
Hangs up the phone on you?
Dismisses you by continuing to do whatever they were doing?
Pretends they didn’t hear you?
Sabatoges events or days that are important to you?
Agrees to do something and then does not?

These actions this signify not only poor communication and respect, but they also indicate a need to be in control.

These are the big things. These small actions that take down love.

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You Can’t Argue Without Two People

posted by corme

A wise person recently told me that you can’t argue if you don’t have two people.

Arguing is a choice.

I spent the past few years arguing because I was frustrated that the person I was with didn’t seem to care if I was happy, sad, worried, or stressed. I often regret that time wasted and more importantly I hate the person that it made me. It is an ugliness within all of us that arguing unmasks.

If someone doesn’t care no amount of arguing is going to resurrect something that doesn’t exist. It’s just going to make you into less of who you are.

Arguing is a choice.

Today I would love myself enough to walk away.

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How to Let Go of Your Relationship and Hold onto You

posted by corme

It is crisp and cold this winter morning. I make my way up the steps and into the store.

My beautiful friend greets me with a smile from behind the counter. She is warm and understanding. We chat for a bit and then her father joins us. He also offers kindness and compassion. I am here to part with something that once had great value to me. They know this and they do everything in their power to put me at ease.

However, I am still dogged by the unpleasant task before me. The humbling and somewhat humiliating effects of the financial dissolution of divorce. The places you find yourself in that you never, once in your wildest dreams imagined.

My friend’s father has an open and spoken heart.

“If you are in a hot air balloon in the worst of storms and being tossed about,” He says. “You must throw everything in the basket out in order for the balloon to rise. It is no matter the value of those possessions. You have to let go to save yourself.”

I listen intently. I have never had a strong attachment to most things; however, I am forever and devotedly sentimental. While I will toss away a million possessions without a thought, it is difficult for me to part with things that I have a memory or person attached to.

“You have to let it all go,” He says. “You will not see how big you are without doing so. It needs to be just you in that balloon rising. The past needs to be left behind to take you where you need to go.”

I hug them both goodbye. I turn towards the door to leave.

I feel lighter already.
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When the Rescuer Needs to Be Rescued

posted by corme

It is Saturday and I am meeting a friend at our local coffee shop. We sit at a table in the corner. The fireplace next to us adds warmth to this cold winter morning.

We clutch our coffee cups as we chat with a friend at the table next to us. We are talking about all things life. It is one of the best way to learn through the eyes and soul of others. It often offers us a perspective that we are lacking. The conversation has drifted to helping others through difficult times.

“I don’t want anyone to rescue me,” I say.

“I think that is a question you need to ask yourself. Why don’t you want others to rescue you?” Our friend asks me. She asks this in part because someone that she loves is suffering the effects of divorce and she would like to help them.

I know that this is a good question for which I have no answer. My family and friends have asked me why I am resistant to accepting help and one of my friends has really dug deep to try and get me to accept it. She will remind me of all the things I did to help others and will explain that she is baffled that I won’t accept more help.

“I think it’s about self-respect for me,” I respond.

“It makes me feel good to help others,” She says.

We keep chatting about other things. I know that later I will need to reflect on this question and I do.

I am not comfortable accepting help because I have a long history of not only solving my own problems, but of solving other people’s problems as well. It has always made me feel good to help others, yet I am resistant to offer others this feeling. It isn’t pride though I am sure it may appear this way. On the contrary, I am not comfortable with my family and friends worrying about me because I feel that it takes them away from their own families which should be their greater focus. I believe it burdens them.

Additionally, I did ask for help for one thing only the rest of the things I did not ask for help for because I felt that I could handle them. I knew I may not be able to handle them right away, but I felt that I would be able to with time. I have tried to hold onto my faith and belief that everything happens for a reason and that I would find my way.

I realize now that in my attempt to under-burden those that love me that I have in fact over-burdened them. Life is an ebb and flow. Even the rescuer needs to be rescued.

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How My Children Would Draw Me Today

posted by corme

A letter to my boys…

I sift through the priceless artwork that you once created. The ones where your chubby, little, fingers grabbed for paper and you scribbled with love.

The crayons documenting your tiny, world view. It was you and me.

How I adore those pictures. The ones where I was perfect in your eyes.

I was allowed that luxury because you were so little and I looked so big and grand. I felt it too. In my heart hooked to yours.

I felt it when your cherubic, sweet, face pressed against mine.
I felt it when you lit up as I walked into your classroom.
I felt it when you ran towards me scared.

I felt like a good mommy. The kind that does more right than wrong.

Then life got complicated. Marriage struggles came. You grew older. Your tiny, chubby, Renoir drawing, fingers are now long and lean. They no longer exercise themselves drawing pictures of you and me.

I am no longer perfect. For now your eyes meet mine rather than gaze upward. You have seen me cry. You have seen me yell. You have seen me struggle. You have seen me scared.

I look at the pictures of you and me and I want to be that mommy again. The untarnished one of your youth.

I hope that one day, when your long, lean, fingers are laced with adulthood that you realize that perfection is overrated and love is underestimated.

What was really etched in those crayon masterpieces is love. And that it is still you and me.

Mom…..my

Dannypic
Danny and me, walking Hazel

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3 Signs That You’re Ready for Enablers Anonymous

posted by corme

My marriage counselor is a saint. At the very least he has the patience of one.

In the early days of counseling I would say that the writing was definitely on the wall. My marriage was over. My counselor knew it and deep down I knew it. The funny thing is that I was listening to every single thing he was telling me. The problem was being told I was an enabler and recognizing when I was enabling were two very different things. I have been this way my whole life so recognizing ingrained behavior was more than a little difficult.

“I know I should give up, but he’s going through a really difficult time,” I would say. “He’s a good person in a bad place.”

You name it and I had the excuse for why I was going to stay and put more effort into my marriage.

So here’s the deal. I’ve said it before, enablers make excuses for other people’s bad behavior or why they choose to stay in a bad situation for so long.

Here are a few clues that you are ready for ‘Enabler’s Anonymous:”

In your friendships, you say things such as, “I know she’s obnoxious, but she’s fun,” “I realize that she’s a bit mean, but she is just unhappy right now,” “I know she’s controlling, but she has a big heart,” “I know she seems a bit rude, but she’s just trying to be direct.”

In your marriage, you say things such as, “I know he ignores me, but the grass is never greener,” “I know he is selfish, but aren’t all men?” “I know he keeps hurting me, but he’s in a bad place,” “I know he doesn’t listen to me, but his job is consuming.”

In your workplace, you say things such as, “I know my boss is a nightmare, but I like the other people I work with,” “I know that I am underpaid and under appreciated, but there aren’t a lot of jobs out there,” “I know I shouldn’t work this late and they take advantage of me, but who else will do the work if I don’t?” “I know I should have gotten that raise, but the company is hurting financially.”

If you are unhappy, stop making excuses and get out of whatever situation it is. If you are a true enabler, it will not get better. It will just bring you down. Soon you will be complaining because you feel taken advantage of and undervalued. The more you wear yourself down the weaker you become and change becomes even more difficult.

My name is Colleen, I’m an enabler. I finally realize the cost of all those well intentioned excuses. It was me.

Why I Don’t Need a Man

posted by corme

My sisters and I settle into are seats at the cupcake shop. Each of us grabbing the floral, china, cups in front of us while steeping our tea bags. We divide the cupcakes into three sections so that we can taste all of them.

As I often do the names will be changed to protect the innocent. I will call my one sister, “Foxy Roxie,” and my other sister, “Mod Marla” What can I say? They wanted more inventive names than my usual assigned, alias monikers.

“I had such a moment last night,” I say.

“What?” They both lean in somewhat intrigued.

“I was dragging my Christmas Tree down the driveway,” I say. “I felt empowered. I don’t need anyone. I am going to be fine.”

They both sit back stifling their laughter.

“That’s it?” Implores ‘Foxy Roxie.’ “You walking in your jammies, down the driveway in the dark, dragging the tree behind you and that’s when you have your moment of empowerment?”

“Hey, it’s a long driveway,” I protest. “I grabbed that sucker and I dragged it behind me and about half way I knew I was going to be fine. This divorce isn’t going to take me down. I am not afraid to be alone.”

At this point, “Roxie and Marla,” are full on laughing.

Me, I just sit back and smile because I know why I had my moment. While married, I had surrendered only a few tasks that I had always been fully capable of doing myself. I can drag a tree down a driveway with the best of them.

I just let someone else do it for me…for a while.

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The Hallmark Channel, Marriage and Animal Rescue Videos

posted by corme

I don’t really like to admit this, but I spent a lot of years crying in my marriage.

One day my sister turned to me and said, “Colleen, no one else in your life makes you cry. If it was you, if you were a crier than you would be crying in all of your relationships and in all other aspects of your life.”

I knew my sister was right. No one else made me cry except for one individual.

Well, except the Hallmark Channel and animal rescue videos.

Of course, as a big, massive, tear disclaimer, I must admit that in the past several years I now cry at almost anything and anyone. Making the Hallmark Channel and animal rescue videos all the more challenging.

The pain from my relationship has been that great. It has bubbled over into all aspects of my life.

I don’t understand how another human being watches someone cry and sits idly. Is there a payoff in control? In being right? Is it ego?

Love should always win.

I don’t understand the need convince someone they are wrong rather than listening to their pain. I want to hear the pain of the ones I love equally as much as I want to hear their joy. It stands to reason that I would most want to hear the pain which may have been caused by me. I have the power to correct that.

Love should win. Love should always, always win.

And love–love doesn’t truly exist when someone starts, not stops your tears.
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What My Dog Taught Me about Divorce

posted by corme

One cold night on the streets of Scranton, Pennsylvania, me and my husband make our way home from a college party. Of course, at this point he is my boyfriend. The streets of Scranton are packed with the usual cast of characters. Yes, the town of Scranton really is as eccentric as the television show, The Office depicts.

The cold familiar to the mountainous region, has us huddling close together as we walk. We are feet away from the street corner when suddenly my husband races to my right side and pushes me slightly to the left. In his frenzy, I notice a gorgeous, regal, Doberman and his owner in front of us.

“Oh my gosh,” I proclaim in absolute shock. “Did you just dart to the other side and put me on the direct side of the dog?”

“Yes,” he responds shamelessly.

I laugh and pass the black and tan supposed threat. Since the time I am fourteen I have worked at a kennel affiliated with a veterinary hospital. It is how I am paying my way through college. I have no fear of animals and I am wise enough to know that many of the breeds that people fear are gentle giants. So I shrug this event off. It is meaningless to me.

The truth is looking back it was one huge, gigantic, enormous, metaphorical red flag. It is foreshadowing who will ultimately always come first in our relationship.

As a child, my family had two dogs, a cat, and various, horses, birds, hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, etc. I grew up in what at that time, was considered rural country just twenty minutes outside of metropolitan, Washington, D.C. Therefore, it is somewhat inconceivable that I married a man who didn’t like animals, let alone dogs. I had dreams of living on a gentleman’s farm as an adult. Instead, I marry someone who won’t allow me to get a dog until we are married six years and have children. In his defense, he does like puppies. Just not once they grow up. Not even the ones that lived (a golden retriever and a chocolate lab) in our own house.

I am restting against my pillow. It is late night. I am typing column notes into my phone. My chocolate lab, Hazel is smooshed, comfortably into a ball at the foot of my bed.

Hazel is my new litmus test. I will no longer be drawn to anyone who doesn’t like animals, let alone dogs.

I turn off the light. Hazel lifts her head with my movement. She contently slumbers back to sleep.

I have my dog. She is loving, selfless and relentlessly, loyal with absolutely no intention of leaving me.
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Hope, Faith and Love

posted by corme

I like to believe that what fuels my brand of writing is love. That is the type of writer that I am. I am drawn most passionately to examine the average, every day moments of life. LIfe of course is always or at least, should be driven by love.

It makes me think of the passage, “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

We learn this from a very young age. The kiss of a mother can heal a boo boo. Our lives begin teaching us this particular magic of love.

At times, as a writer less is more. I wrote once of another simple concept. How selfishness can end a marriage. Love can heal a marriage. Love has amazing healing properties. The problem is that love can get tainted and become conditional rather than unconditional.

Love healed us after my father left. I think of this often now as the struggles of divorce get greater. I try and remain focused on the exquisite simplicity of love and its’ power.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Follow me on Facebook @Colleen Sheehy Orme
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E-mail: Colleen.Sheehy.Orme@gmail.com
www.colleensheehyorme.com

Previous Posts

Actions That Signify Danger in a Relationship
There are small things that mean bigs things in a relationship. Are you in a relationship with someone that during an argument or when you are attempting to express your feelings: Walks out of the room or out of the house? Sits silently with absolutely no response? Hangs up the phone on you?

posted 10:10:23pm Jan. 31, 2015 | read full post »

You Can't Argue Without Two People
A wise person recently told me that you can't argue if you don't have two people. Arguing is a choice. I spent the past few years arguing because I was frustrated that the person I was with didn't seem to care if I was happy, sad, worried, or stressed. I often regret that time wasted and more

posted 4:59:25pm Jan. 30, 2015 | read full post »

How to Let Go of Your Relationship and Hold onto You
It is crisp and cold this winter morning. I make my way up the steps and into the store. My beautiful friend greets me with a smile from behind the counter. She is warm and understanding. We chat for a bit and then her father joins us. He also offers kindness and compassion. I am here to part wit

posted 7:00:22pm Jan. 28, 2015 | read full post »

When the Rescuer Needs to Be Rescued
It is Saturday and I am meeting a friend at our local coffee shop. We sit at a table in the corner. The fireplace next to us adds warmth to this cold winter morning. We clutch our coffee cups as we chat with a friend at the table next to us. We are talking about all things life. It is one of the

posted 1:20:02am Jan. 26, 2015 | read full post »

How My Children Would Draw Me Today
A letter to my boys... I sift through the priceless artwork that you once created. The ones where your chubby, little, fingers grabbed for paper and you scribbled with love. The crayons documenting your tiny, world view. It was you and me. How I adore those pictures. The ones where I was p

posted 3:02:01pm Jan. 22, 2015 | read full post »


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