8 Strategies for Emotional Healing after Betrayal

Betrayal occurs when the trust between two people is broken in a way that causes a moral conflict. This may happen when a romantic relationship goes sour leaving a feeling that promises have been broken, when a conflict between friends leaves a feeling of being stabbed in the back, or when a person feels abandoned by another. An emotional betrayal is one of the most painful experiences to go through in life. Betrayal is a form of emotional trauma. Betrayal leaves deep emotional scars activating the same areas of the brain as physical pain activates.

Betrayal can occur as a one-time event or from the accumulation of repeated events. It may be intentionally or unintentionally inflicted. Betrayal is often unexpected and leaves a person feeling powerless to protect themselves from the pain that results. One may experience feelings of shock, denial and disbelief initially. It can feel surreal. This can quickly transition into a roller coaster of emotions with extremes of intense anger and fury to deep despair and sadness. Not only is the person trying to process the event but simultaneously the feelings of loss that follow as they grieve the loss of what was and what could have been. Physical manifestations include exhaustion, insomnia, nightmares, tense muscles, nausea, lack of appetite and physical aches and pains.

Recovery Strategies

Recovering from the trauma of betrayal can take a long time to heal and often leaves us forever changed as a person. Often a person who has experienced betrayal will withdraw from others and use isolation to protect themselves from any possible recurrence of future betrayal. To move forward the person may become detached emotionally and seem almost vacant. Unfortunately, these coping strategies only serve to perpetuate the pain and block us from experiencing happiness in our lives. When facing a major betrayal there are several strategies that can help you to move forward and past the trauma, creating a new foundation upon which to build emotionally fulfilling relationships that bring happiness and joy.

Be Authentic

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Be honest with yourself about how the betrayal feels to you. Recognize and accept that you may have many feelings about the betrayal that are in conflict with one another. That is okay, these are your feelings. Own them. Acknowledge them. Be careful not to get sucked a thought pattern relating to a particular feeling or emotion that can leave you with and exaggerated sense of being more or less hurt than you actually are. Especially during the early stages of betrayal you may feel a lot of confusion, not only about the betrayer and their actions, but about your own feelings. Take time to identify an emotional benchmark of how you feel today. Overtime this will help you to measure your emotional healing progress.

Own Your Role

This is not to say the betrayal was your fault. The betrayer made a choice to take a certain action. That was their choice to make and you are not to blame for that. However, to move forward and regain a sense of safety and security you must identify your role and any missteps that lead up to creating an opening where the betrayer was able to choose such a hurtful action. These will be areas where you need to heal and/or implement new strategies moving forward. For example, do you need to learn to set clearer boundaries and stick to them? Do you not communicate your feelings and expectations clearly? Did you blindly extend trust that was unearned? Do you tend to ignore obvious signs of trouble in order to avoid conflict? Do you fear being alone so you compromise by maintaining a relationship that is unhealthy rather than not having a relationship? Do you lack self-confidence or self-esteem? Are you easily manipulated by others? This is a process of identifying your blind spots or areas to work on that will help you to not repeat the same patterns in future relationships or interactions. Awareness is the beginning step toward making a positive change.

Find a Confidant

Depending on your situation this may be a trusted friend, a professional therapist or a counselor. Identify one person you can turn to that you can talk through your emotions with, a sounding board. Notice the key phrase is one person. It is important that you do not drown in your story telling everyone you come in contact with in great detail. The activity of reliving the event repeatedly as you tell others will only result in you creating ongoing drama and being stuck in the pain. If there is someone you can turn to who has been through a similar betrayal and come out the other side that can be helpful. Make sure your confidant is there for unconditional support, not to guide any decisions you make one way or another. If you cannot find someone you know or obtain a counselor, you may find help from online support groups specific to the type of betrayal you have experienced.

Deal With It

Do not dwell on the betrayal. Once you have identified the facts, which can take some time if the betrayal is complex and unfolding, do not obsess over it. This can be difficult and depending on your situation may require anything from very little detail to knowing the minutia of the betrayal. Regardless once you have identified the facts, stop and commit to yourself to moving forward. Once you have completed your analysis it is time to move forward and take action steps every day to heal yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else’s healing but your own. Continuing to reanalyze the betrayal over and over will not make it go away. It will not make the betrayal make any more sense to you. It will not lessen the pain. You may not have a plan of action yet; you may not know where to go from here but commit to dealing with what is and moving forward. Accept that the betrayal has happened. It is done, it cannot be undone. There will be varying degrees of consequences for everyone involved. Accept that and let go.

Time for Action

You may not know what to do right away. Do you try to repair the relationship? Do you sever all ties and walk away? You may still feel confused. That is ok, but start by getting your life back into motion. Keep busy and be active. Resume your daily activities of work, maintaining your home, etc. Fill your day with motion, mentally and physically. Start a simple meditation practice. Commit to a daily gratitude journal. Exercise. Join group activities or a club. Get out and around others to combat the tendency toward isolation. Interact. Volunteer. Perform some type of service to your community each week. Just be active. The more active you are, even when you don’t feel like it, the less time you have to fall back into some of the emotional and mental traps that keep you stuck in the betrayal unable to move forward.

Forgive

Forgiveness is about your healing. It does not condone the other person’s actions or excuse the consequences. Forgiveness allows us to shift our perspective on the situation and to let go of the story that we hold about the situation. The story that actually is holding you hostage not the person you are trying to forgive. Forgiveness allows you to drop your emotional baggage and move on. Setting your intention to forgive comes first. If your belief system is one where you find prayer or calling on a higher power for assistance, this can be a helpful part of the forgiveness process. Often when there has been a deep wound inflicted forgiveness is a process that takes time and does not occur instantly. Once you have set your intention to forgive a successful strategy is to daily, over a period of weeks or months, mentally or verbally recite a mantra or prayer of forgiveness.

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