How to Tell Children That You Are Separating

Lindsay wasn’t sure how she would handle telling her two little girls that mommy and daddy were separating. It was a message she never wanted to give, having heard it from the lips of her own mom years ago.

Lindsay and her husband, Mike, had been in counseling for months, but Mike recently told her he was done with the marriage and wanted out. He was no longer willing to work on their problems and was pursuing divorce. He refused to change his mind and wanted to tell their girls about the separation.

Still reeling from Mike’s pronouncement, Lindsay had to deal with her own feelings of loss and now tell the girls. She knew it was important to separate her feelings from the needs of her children. So, both Lindsay and Mike agreed-despite their differences and the tension between them, they would tell the girls together.

While there is always hope for even the most difficult marriages to be reconciled, when one or two people decide to separate, the children have to be told and work through the separation along with their parents. Since children need the influence of both a mother and father in their lives, the sad news should be given jointly. Lindsay and Mike were doing the right thing by telling the girls together.

Reinforce that This Is Not Their Fault

While it is tough for kids not to take the blame, keep reminding them it is not their fault. Because this is a major disruption in their lives, they will feel responsible. Young children can understand some issues of relationships because of their relationships with friends, but they won’t understand why you can’t work it out. With friends, you tell them to work it out when they fight! So this will be confusing. They are facing loss, both of you will not be in the home and that will either frighten them, make them mad, or both. And if you fight about issues involving them (e.g., who will pick them up from a friend’s house), then it does feel like it is their fault.