8 Relationship Myths, Debunked

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Relationship myths—we all fall for them. We pick them up from movies, television shows, romance novels, and idle gossip. They give us unrealistic expectations, they frustrate us and our partners, and they lead us on fruitless chases for inhumanly perfect partners.

In short, they keep us from finding true love. But now it’s time to cast off the myth and embrace reality!

The truth is that one of the most prevalent causes of break-ups, in what could otherwise be healthy relationships, is unmet expectations. Sometimes those expectations are grounded in reality. But other times, these expectations are warped, unrealistic, and unfair to our partners.

We’d all like for there to be an easy set of “rules,” when it comes to love. This is why relationship myths take hold so easily. But in reality, each relationship is beautiful and unique, and comes with its own set of challenges and pleasures.

Relationship myths claim to lead you to the truth. But real truth leads not toward something, but out of ignorance so that you can make good decisions. So, in that light, let’s debunk 8 of the most destructive relationship myths so that you can make your relationship the best that it can be.

You Need to Wait For the One

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This is the myth that doesn’t just destroy relationships. No—it takes it one step further.

Remember the old saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” Well, this myth will keep you from ever having loved at all.

Worse, because it will keep you from finding love, you’ll never gain those skills that determine how you handle future relationships. Without taking risks, you’ll never know what kind of partner compliments you, what kind infuriates you, what kind is dangerous for you.

And even if you do find “the one”? You’ll have completely unrealistic expectations. The mantle of “soul mate” is a heavy one—too heavy for any imperfect human being to bear. Don’t place this weight on your partner.

Instead, realize that there is no “the one”. Certain partners will certainly be better for your particular life than others. But no person is perfect, and no one will fulfill your needs completely and perfectly—at least not without a lot of work.

Be open minded, forgiving, and discerning as you embark on your quest to discover love. You’ll find many hidden gems that you might have passed over, otherwise.

You Can Change Your Partner

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Never expect your partner to change because of you. This is doubly so if you’re expecting them to change after marriage.

Accept your partner as he or she is, or get out. Imagine living with your partner for the next few decades, exactly as they are right now. Still like them? Great! But if you shuddered just now, it may be time to move on.

The truth is that people can only change in the ways they truly want to change. It has to come from within. You cannot redirect a person’s life in a direction of your choosing.

But in this fact, there is hope. If your partner truly does want to change—for example, if they’re actively working to curb their drinking or get a handle on their anger, you can encourage them, and possibly expect change to occur.

But it has to be of your partner’s own volition. They will not change because of you. Realize this, be discerning about who you choose as a partner, and you’ll find yourself in much happier relationships.

Healthy Couples Never Argue

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Many relationship-seekers believe that couples in great relationships never argue—this sometimes stems from the aforementioned belief in “the one”.

This is a huge relationship-destroyer.

Effective communication isn’t always pretty, but it’s always necessary. Sometimes, emotions will flare, voices will raise, and tension will thicken the air.

But as long as things aren’t getting out of control, this is normal.

Healthy conflict—engaging with problems without resorting to physical or emotional violence—allows a couple to face and solve problems together. Avoiding confrontation only builds tension, leading to unhealthy, unproductive, blowout fights.

Instead, see conflict as an opportunity to grow. Actively listen, and be willing to concede points—remember, the goal of relationship conflict is to find a resolution, not to “win”. Power struggles benefit no one.

No relationship is perfect—conflict is inevitable. It’s how you decide to handle it that dictates whether or not your relationship is successful.

Your Partner is Your Everything

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This myth creates unhealthy relationships, and can leave you feeling like a half person—never a good thing.

Many people believe that their partner—especially within the context of marriage—should be their everything, that they no longer need friends, hobbies, or an outside life.

This is one of the most common myths people derive from romantic film and fiction. The idea that your “soul mate”—that word, again—is going to come along and magically meet your every need and want creates a situation that can only result in disappointment.

The truth? No human being will be able to fulfill your every need. Ever. No one. Every person has limitations.

To overcome those limitations, you need not just a single lover, but an entire support structure made up of friends, family, acquaintances, mentors, and, of course, yourself. Your partner is just one part of that—albeit a very important part.

So make sure you don’t abandon your support structure when you take on a new partner. After all, if things don’t work out, you don’t want to be left with nothing!

You'll Solve Every Relationship Problem

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Even the best of us get taken in by this myth, and end up thinking that, given enough time, we’ll be able to resolve all of our relationship issues.

This simply isn’t the case. Some problems will stick around forever.

These are known as perpetual problems, and they’re due to fundamental differences in your personalities and needs. Don’t worry—all couples have them.

When certain problems seem to stick around, don’t let them calcify into something that causes resentment. Talk it out! While you may not be able to solve certain issues, you can learn to accept them and come to mutual understandings about one another based in love.

So don’t bail when you encounter these perpetual problems—after all, if you switch to a new partner, you’re just switching over to a new set of permanent issues!

Remember, again, that no one is perfect. In every relationship, you’ll have to accept certain things about your partner. But once you do, and are able to release and forgive, your relationship will soar.

Criticism Helps Your Partner Grow

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In every relationship, communication is key, but the mode of communication is incredibly important.

Constant criticism is one of what Dr. John Gottman, world renowned relationship psychology researcher, calls the “four horsemen” of relationship problems. If this metaphor doesn’t communicate to you how deadly an issue criticism is to a relationship, little else will.

Criticism is different from positive critique, or simply talking over an issue. Criticism is a weapon rather than a tool, and often involves blaming and extravagant language. An example of criticism might be, “You always spend on ridiculous things.” It not only uses an untruthful “always,” but it also attacks the partner’s character rather than his or her actions.

Criticism makes your partner feel unloved, misunderstood, and defensive, and over time this can develop into nasty reactions against you, too. This often turns into a back-and-forth that usually results in the end of a relationship.

So think about the way you communicate with your partner—criticism, otherwise known as “tough love,” isn’t the way to grow your relationship. Open, honest, and loving communication is.

The Romance Will Never Fade

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This is another myth that comes from the world of fiction and film, and can spell the end of long-term relationships and marriages.

In reality, as time passes, the thrill and emotional intensity of falling in love can simply wear off. It’s how we’re built, and happens to everyone—your relationship isn’t doomed because those feelings go into low gear.

Many people are tempted to bow out of the relationship at this point, especially when someone else comes along that seems to reignite that spark. But don’t do that—if you do, you’ll get stuck in a cycle of new relationships and abandonment that will leave you unfulfilled.

After all, once those initial emotions begin to change into something else, the deeply fulfilling part of the relationship is about to begin. You don’t want to miss out on that!

The emotional intensity of a new relationship doesn’t simply dissipate into thin air—it changes. Suddenly, you have to actively choose to love one another each day, and this process creates a deeper, stronger, and more long-lasting relationship than you could ever imagine.

So don’t bail when things start to change. Get to work—keep the love alive with romantic dates, small kindnesses, and quality time. Choose to keep loving. You won’t regret it.

Your Partner Knows What You're Thinking

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This is the most insidious myth—often, we don’t even realize we’ve subscribed to it.

Repeat these words: “My partner does not know what I’m thinking”. Got it? Good.

While spending a lifetime with a partner can help you to be able to anticipate their needs and wants, neither of you can fully know what’s going on in the other’s head. And when we think that our partner does know what we’re thinking, we’re left frustrated, disappointed, and ready for a fight.

It’s important to always express yourself to your romantic partner. This is the most important relationship in your life, and should also be the most open. Talk about how you feel, what you think about things, and encourage your partner to do the same.

Don’t be that person who sits in angry silence as you watch your partner load the dishwasher the “wrong” way. Instead, lovingly let him or her know how you feel, and why you feel that way. It’s likely they had no idea!

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