7 Ways to Finally Get Him to Open Up

How many times have you asked your husband or boyfriend what he’s thinking, only to be met with the dreaded “Nothing” response, as he goes back to watching the television and munching on chips?

It’s frustrating, isn’t it? This, and other similar responses, can leave you feeling shut out, isolated, and angry.

But while it’s easy to assume that your man doesn’t want to communicate, or that he doesn’t care about what you have to say when he clams up like this, that’s almost never the case.

So why won’t he open up?

Largely, because becoming emotionally vulnerable can be an incredibly frightening experience for your guy.

From a young age, males are taught that they’re supposed to tough out life’s problems without expressing pain, which they often equate with weakness, and weakness means losing respect—the currency of men. He doesn’t want to lose your respect because you’re important.

So when a man starts dating and finds that women actually want him to openly deal with his emotions, frustration and confusion often follow for both parties. There are, however, some sure ways to remedy this and get your man to open up—in fact, once you’ve opened this door, you won’t be able to shut him up.

If you’re one of the many who are frustrated at your significant other’s silence, let’s take a look at 7 ways to get him to open up so that your relationship can be the best that it can be.

Stay Positive

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It may seem counterintuitive but it’s often true that a man’s ego is more fragile than a woman’s. He’s afraid of losing face if he opens up.

But you can combat this with a healthy dose of positivity.

You can do this by not immediately resorting to criticism and anger when your man fails to communicate. Even though his silence is sincerely upsetting, making the effort to be patient and kind will go a long way toward helping him open up.

Remember—he’s clamming up because he doesn’t want to lose face in front of the most important person in his life. He doesn’t want you to see him as a failure. This isn’t a lack of love or an active assault on your emotions. It’s a culturally engrained weakness that is best overcome through cooperation.

So cultivate an environment where your husband or boyfriend can feel safe. This sense of safety is the foundation of openness, communication, and emotional honesty.

Set the Example

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If you want him to express his feelings, set the example. Express your own.

You might balk at the idea of opening up first, especially if his stonewalling has created a rift in the relationship—this feeling is absolutely valid. But think about how most men grow up; they’re trained to act, to do, where women tend to be more guided toward expressing. By allowing yourself a degree of vulnerability, you’ll help your man to overcome a learned behavior.

Mutual disclosure is a must in any relationship—we all have problems, fears, hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Help him trust you by openly discussing yourself, by being as vulnerable to him as you’d like for him to be toward you.

If you do this, he’ll see that it’s okay—that he can reveal his embarrassing mistake or his bad day or his “silly” dream without losing your respect. And if you’ve created an environment where he feels safe from reprisal and criticism, and that you’ll respond positively, he’ll open up.

Seek to Understand

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Be slow to anger. When your man is silent, try to find out why. It’s quite likely that there is a reason that has nothing to do with you.

Men tend to think differently than women for a variety of reasons. While this isn’t a bad thing, it can lead to misunderstandings, and this is why learning to seek the cause of his silence is more important than punishing him for it.

For example, men tend to be problem-solvers—remember the male fondness for action over expression? If you come home from work and vent about a problem with a co-worker, his problem-solving brain might ascertain that you caused the problem, and not your co-worker. Not wanting to upset you, he’s likely to keep his conclusion to himself.

It’s also possible that he may be afraid of his ability to handle your emotions, since simply listening while you talk out your problems may leave him feeling powerless to help.

Seek to understand your man’s behavior rather than simply acting on it—find out the underlying why through quality communication, and you’ll be better able to address the problem.

Ask Questions

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If your guy continues to have trouble opening up, help him along by asking leading questions, and asking them in a kind way.

Men, at times, have trouble describing their feelings. Use your own expertise in expression to coax them out by asking “Do you feel like…” questions. For example, if you can see he is in distress, you can ask, “Do you feel upset right now?”

While this may sound elementary, it can do wonders for opening the closed door that lies over his heart. Help him find that door—he may not have even known of its existence.

While you lead him out of emotional darkness with your questions, remember to be kind in doing so. Don’t treat him like a wrongdoer. That will only communicate that it’s not safe to express, and he’ll clam back up, starting the process all over again.

If your man suffers from the lack of ability to express, lead him in the right direction in love and kindness. That’s how you encourage openness in a relationship.

Set Expectations

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The very worst relationship problems stem from one thing—unmet expectations. That’s why laying down what you expect is so incredibly important.

You want him to speak with you. You want him to be open, to share his feelings, and to listen to your own.

Tell him this.

Sometimes, a man’s silence stems from the fact that he simply doesn’t know what you want. Unless you express your desires plainly, there is a great chance for miscommunications and false assumptions.

So if you expect a certain level of openness from your guy, tell him. Be frank, and let him know how important it is to you. He loves you, and will make an effort to learn how to express and communicate in a way that is healthy for both of you.

Don’t leave anything to chance. Ask for what you want in a calm and kind way so that you can both work together to make your relationship a beautiful one.

Let Go

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To forgive is simultaneously the hardest and easiest thing for a human being to give to another. It can also be the salvation of your relationship.

It may be that your man is hesitant to open up because he senses your resentment over a past issue. Perhaps, when he shares his feelings about certain topics, this triggers an angry reaction from you.

This creates an environment of fear, and discourages openness.

Instead of holding onto resentment, endeavor to let go, to forgive—especially if the offending incident or behavior is long gone. If the issue is something that needs to be addressed, start a conversation.

Try to look at the big picture—at what both of you did right and wrong. Take a long, hard look at your own expectations—are they reasonable or are they unrealistic? If you can find the strength, forgive the wrongs in not only him, but yourself as well.

Do this, and you’ll rock the landscape of your relationship and open roads of communication for both of you.

Learn to Listen

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The final key to getting your beloved to open up lies in active listening skills.

The willingness to set agendas aside and simply listen is the mark of a mature individual, and will encourage your significant other to not only open up, but to keep talking. In fact, if you do this well, he’ll likely talk more than you can imagine!

Active listening means making a conscious effort to not only hear your guy’s words, but to understand his entire message.

To do this, put aside any distracting thoughts, such as mentally prepared responses or rebuttals. Stay focused on him as he speaks, nodding, smiling, and using body language to indicate you’re listening.

Ask questions to clarify his points, and verbally summarize his comments.

Most importantly, defer judgment until he is finished speaking, avoiding interrupting and interjecting. If something he says upsets you, ask him for clarification to make sure he meant what you think he did.

By following these steps, you’ll lessen the chance for misunderstandings and you’ll ensure that he feels as valuable as he actually is to you.

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