7 Solutions For an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

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We all need love and affection, and so it’s emotionally difficult when your romantic partner becomes distant, cold, and withdrawn. But whether this emotionally unavailable behavior is the norm for your partner, has grown over time, or is a recent development, there are steps you can take to get your loved one to open up.

Emotional distance is usually caused by fear—the fear of ridicule, shame, or weakness. Being emotionally open is to be vulnerable to the judgments of those around you, after all, and if someone has been burned, it’s easier to simply close up than to risk that kind of pain again. Distancing can also be caused by stress, depression, or an overabundance of criticism.

This isn’t normally something that can be simply waited out—someone who is emotionally unavailable will often become comfortable with the armor they’ve placed around their heart, not willing to remove it until encouraged to do so.

Fortunately, you can do just that. Instead of suffering in a distant relationship, take action. If you can moderate your reactions, cultivate a safe environment, and be patient for a time, your partner will likely open up.

To help you do that, let’s take a look at 7 solutions for an emotionally unavailable partner.

Don't Take it Personally

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For most of us, our first reaction to an emotionally available partner is to lash out. But if you want your loved one to open up, you’ll need to avoid acting out in response to their distant behavior.

Remember—your partner is likely acting this way because of some hidden fear or insecurity. It’s not about you, but rather about your partner’s own pain.

But it’s all too easy to lay the blame on yourself and become guilt-ridden or worse, angry and critical. You must resist both of these impulses if you want your partner to open up to you. Anger, particularly, can create a cycle of criticism and withdrawal that will break even the strongest relationship.

This doesn’t mean that you don’t hold your partner accountable, though—you deserved to be loved, and should always communicate what you want out of your relationship. But what this does mean is that you should communicate in kind and respectful way.

And as we’re about to see in the next slide, you should endeavor to communicate from a place of deep understanding.

Seek to Understand Your Partner

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As with any relationship issue, communication is vital. Emotional distance is a problem that warrants a particularly thorough understanding of your partner, and so getting to know him or her better is a huge step toward helping them come out of their emotional hiding place.

We’ve learned that a partner who is emotionally unavailable is usually so for a reason, such as some past trauma, or in the case of many men, because of cultural conditioning. If you’re suffering in a cold relationship, it’s time to figure out what’s going on with your partner.

This takes discussion, so sit your partner down and talk about what’s going on. Don’t probe—just gently encourage your loved one to talk about any feelings, frustrations, or fears they might have. You may have to read between the lines a bit, but the reason behind your partner’s emotional distance will usually be quickly revealed.

The key to getting your partner to reveal this information lies in creating a safe environment from them, as we’re about to see.

Create a Safe Environment

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If you want your partner to feel comfortable enough to make themselves emotionally vulnerable, creating a safe environment for them to do so is one of the most important steps you can take.

So what makes up a safe environment? To begin, make sure that you encourage and praise your partner’s openness and emotion. When they do finally share with you, no matter how small, treat what they share with kindness, respect, and love. Treat their emotions reverently—someone has probably stomped on them in the past.

Delve deeply here. Find out if your partner considers their emotionally closed nature a problem or a choice—if it’s a choice, that’s an entirely different issue.

But if it’s a problem that your partner would like to solve, you can provide reassurance that you’d like to work with them to help them through it. Once your partner realizes that they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings without consequence or shame, they’ll open up like never before.

Remove the Pressure

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Sometimes, we can get a little overzealous in the quest to get our romantic partners to open up emotionally, but the pressure we place on them can make them hunker down and become even more distant.

In other words, you want to communicate without lecturing, love without suffocating, and assert your needs without criticizing.

Your partner may simply need a little space. Sometimes, especially with introverts, the more pressure you apply to your partner, the further away they’ll run. Taking a moment to step back, breathe, and metaphorically count to ten can break that cycle.

If it helps, take this time to independently pursue your own goals and hobbies. Develop your talents and skills. Focus on yourself rather than your partner for a while—you’ll not only encourage him or her to open up, but you’ll have the chance for a little self-improvement along the way.

Removing pressure from your partner by temporarily shifting your focus elsewhere is a great way to get your partner to finally connect with you.

Respect Your Differences

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This is, perhaps, the most difficult solution to the problem of an emotionally removed partner. If emotional unavailability is a lifestyle choice for your partner rather than being a problem they’d like to solve, a little compromise and respect may be in order.

Some people just want more alone-time than others—it’s a part of their individual psychology. If this is the case, spending too much time with others will likely make this kind of person withdrawn and distant. If you crave togetherness just as much as your partner craves isolation, a discussion is in order.

A great relationship is marked by a great respect for differences—if your partner’s needs are different from yours, don’t treat as wrong. Treat them as different, and work toward a compromise that will make both of you happy.

Remember—you’re not in this to “win.” You’re in this to find a solution that will make both you and your partner satisfied and happy. The only way you can do this is through mutual respect.

Appreciate the Little Things

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Even if it seems like your partner doesn’t show any love at all, this often isn’t the case. Your emotionally unavailable loved probably has his or her own ways of showing their feelings that simply aren’t conventional.

One solution to this issue is to learn to identify these small gestures.

For instance, your partner might do the dishes for you. If this isn’t how you typically enjoy receiving love, you may not recognize it as such, but to your partner, this is as good as a hug.

Or maybe your partner uses subtle forms of touch, smiles, or kind words to convey his or her feelings for you.

Learn your loved one’s unique language and actively appreciate these things—the result will be that your partner will grow in confidence, and with confidence will come greater displays of love and other emotions.

If you can learn to appreciate the little things your partner does for you, bigger things will come. It just takes a little time and patience.

Lay on the Love

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Finally, if your unemotional partner just isn’t giving you the love you need, showcase the kind of behavior you’d like to see—if you want love, give love, and lots of it.

Do special things for your partner that will warm their heart, make them feel valuable, and let them know that they’re the most special person in the world to you. Praise specific things that you love about your partner, and give him or her encouragement whenever they need it.

For certain people, this is a sure way to thaw a cold heart.

As you do this, keep in mind our previous points—love from a place of understanding, cultivate an atmosphere where it’s safe for your partner to express themselves, and avoid pushing too hard. Combine all of this with loving warmth and a sincere desire to connect and grow your relationship, and even the most distant of hearts will reveal itself.