You don’t have all of the answers. Or even one of the answers. But when someone you care about is struggling, you might wish you had a therapist’s training, Solomon's wisdom and maybe even a poet laureate’s wordsmithing. Instead, you’re probably like the rest of us, stumbling over your words and second-guessing what to do.
Thankfully, you don’t need any of those qualifications to support them well. Try these seven ways to show up with wisdom, compassion, and practical care when someone you love is going through a tough time.
1. Be Present
In the Old Testament, Job lost his children, his livelihood and his health. And his friends gave him notoriously horrible, judgment-filled advice. But before they opened their mouths, they did something right. They sat beside him in his pain.
“Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:13).
Your presence is an act of love, especially in the early days of a hard season. Research on what psychologists call “perceived responsiveness” has linked feeling understood, cared for and valued by another person in close relationships to greater well-being and relationship satisfaction.
So when your loved one is hurting, show up. Validate their feelings. Hold their hand. Cry with them. Sit beside them without anything clever to say. Their suffering isn’t a problem to solve right now, but your presence reminds them they aren’t alone in it.
2. Ask What They Need in the Moment
At first, a baby’s cries can all sound pretty much the same. But a parent eventually learns that tears can signal very different needs, from hunger to a wet diaper to a bellyache. Or a little one might be simply asking to be held.
Adults aren’t all that different, except that we can use our words. When someone is struggling, you can’t respond at your best if you haven’t first understood what your loved one actually needs. Asking before assuming is one way to practice the kind of listening Proverbs describes. “To answer before listening—that is folly and shame” (Proverbs 18:13).
Try: “Do you want me to listen, help you think through this or help with something else?”
A hug may help in one moment, while picking up their groceries may matter more in another. And don’t be surprised if the answer changes. Someone grieving may want to talk today and desperately need a distraction tomorrow. Keep asking and keep listening.
3. Offer Specific Help
You’ve probably said the classic, “Let me know if you need anything,” to someone going through a crisis or hard moment. And you meant it. But someone who is already overwhelmed now has one more job: figuring out what they need, deciding whether it’s OK to ask you, and then reaching back out.
So instead, take some of that work off their plate.
“I’m making a double batch of lasagna on Sunday. Can I bring the extra over?”
“I can pick the kids up from practice on Tuesday and Thursday this week.”
“I need to run to Costco. Can I grab your family some toilet paper and after-school snacks?”
Love becomes practical when it moves from good intentions to action. As 1 John 3:18 says, “Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” And specific offers of help are easier to accept because your loved one doesn’t have to invent a way for you to help.
4. Stay Present
When someone gets a diagnosis or loses a job, many people show up to offer support immediately. Their emotional safety net spreads wide to catch them. But then life moves along for everyone else while the person struggling may still be right where you left them, trying to make sense of a world that no longer makes sense.
Ruth shows what it looks like to stay. After Naomi lost her husband and both sons, she urged Ruth to return home and build a new life. Ruth refused. “Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay” (Ruth 1:16). Ruth couldn’t take away Naomi’s grief or replace what Naomi had lost. But she could make sure Naomi didn’t walk into the next season by herself.
When your loved one is going through a hard season, your dependable presence in their life can do the same. So send the text two weeks later to check in. Remember the anniversary. Add their chemo treatment to your calendar and ask how it went. Pass along a job you heard about and offer an introduction to the hiring manager. Invite them for coffee even if they’ve declined the last three invitations.
5. Pray For Them and With Them
Your loved one needs your prayers. But sometimes what helps them most is for you to stop right there and pray aloud with them. Yes, it can feel awkward, especially if you’ve never done it before together. But you don’t need eloquent words or promises that everything will work out.
Simply bring them and their situation before God. Pray something like: God, You know this situation and every hurt that hasn't been spoken aloud. Give us Your peace, wisdom and strength. Bring healing where there is pain, and remind us that You are near. Amen.
6. Encourage Professional Help When Needed
You probably aren’t a licensed professional counselor. But even if you are, your loved one needs you to be their friend, spouse, sister, brother or parent (not their therapist).
Some situations require more support than you can provide. Scripture reminds us that “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22).
If your loved one seems overwhelmed by daily life or has been stuck in the same painful place for a while, encourage them to talk with a counselor or a medical doctor. A trusted pastor can also offer spiritual care and help them identify faith-based coping mechanisms. Encouraging professional help brings in someone with training, experience and resources you don’t have. You can keep walking beside them while someone else helps them navigate the parts you aren't equipped to handle.
7. See More Than the Struggle
When someone you love is going through a hard season, it’s easy for every conversation to become about that part of their life. How are you feeling? What did the doctor say? Did you hear back about the job? How did counseling go?
Those questions show you care, so keep asking them. But don’t make it the only thing you talk about. Make room for the good things too. Ask about the book they’re reading or the show they’re watching or how their kid did at the game. Life is rarely all one thing at one time.
Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Supporting someone well means doing both. Sit with them when life hurts. But when joy breaks through, celebrate that, too.
Their struggle may be part of their story right now, but it isn't the whole story (or the end of it either). Love them in the hard parts, and keep noticing everything else that makes them who they are and points them toward hope.
