8 Ways to Cope After Losing a Loved One

You'll Always Remember...

What happens when you get a phone call at a restaurant?

That’s what happened back in October 1992. At the time I was living in Coral Springs Florida and working in a family owned Italian restaurant. The phone rang and I picked it up which I did do on occasion, except this time, instead of it being a customer on the other end, it was my mother, letting me know my step father Carl, the person who was my first mentor and who I lived under the same roof with from age 7-20 had passed away. A slight lump formed in my throat and a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Then, I got off the phone, walked out the front door of the restaurant, looked up at the sky and shed a slight tear. And then I made a promise from that moment forward…

It’s still something you’ll always remember, when a loved one passes way. What do you do when it happens to you? Here are several ways to cope with this loss.

Remember What You Learned From Your Loved One

The first time I met Carl was four months shy of my 7th birthday. Within the next year he moved in with us. And from that point on until a month after my 20th birthday I lived under the same roof as this man. During that time many changes occurred in my life. Little by little I was learning to—as Carl would put it—“hustle.” He would always say, “you gotta be a go getter…you gotta hustle” (as he would snap his fingers). This was his way of saying that it’s important to be persistent, to go after what you want and not sit on your butt and expect everything to just come to you. Over time I learned how to be more outgoing.

Embrace The Beautiful Changes They Brought to Your Life

Carl’s profession was known then as a “headhunter," meaning that he placed people in jobs. This required him to get on the phone and negotiate with people to get a great deal. This certainly has changed my life and is largely responsible for what I do as a human potential specialist because it allows me to be assertive with people in a way that benefits them.

And as a result of Carl coming into my life, so did my younger sister and brother. Now what’s interesting in all of this is that once it began, from the moment I met him, it’s still going on in my life. Nothing ever went away and no one ever left, including Carl. And the part that shocks most people, outside of that moment when I found out Carl passed away and had that little tear, I never mourned, had grief for or felt the loss of Carl. Surprising? You’re probably thinking why…right? Well, there was no reason to be because of the promise I made that day after I found out that Carl had passed.

Take Hold of the Flame

It’s been taught and conditioned that if you don’t show any of these feelings “loss,” “remorse,” or “bereavement,” that you don’t care about the person…or that you didn’t love them…or that you’re disrespecting them. Is this really true?

Think about when you found out that a loved one passed away. Were you told that you “had to” go to their wake and pay your last respects? Were you told that you were “supposed to” mourn their “loss.” Did you have family members you knew would get upset if you didn’t show feelings of sadness?

These were some of the questions that went through my mind when I found out Carl had passed and I didn’t buy into any of them…and still don’t to this day.

Keep Your Loved One's Spirit Alive

Now, I know many people react differently based on their relationship with the person they had who passed away. Yet, the same thing remains. Because when you take the time to see all the different traits you admire (and even despise) about your loved one who passed away, and when you see where you have what you see in them in your own unique way and how you see it in others as well, you’ll be able to carry on keeping their spirit alive. Yes, they may be gone physically but as their spirit is kept alive they’ll be in your heart…their mannerisms and their presence will remain. This is what happened when Carl passed away. I started seeing many of his mannerisms in me, being a go getter, being persistent, and going after what you want and not waiting for it to come to you.

Remember They Wouldn't Want You Mourning

As for being sad, depressed, and not being able to carry on with life, I know for sure Carl wouldn’t have wanted me to do any of that. He would have wanted me to carry on with my life in my own unique way. I knew this and it’s also one of the reasons why I made the promise I did that day and one I’m still following through on to this day. And the same is true for you. Think about a loved one who passed away.

Would they want you to mourn them, be sad, be depressed, and feel like you can’t carry on with your life? Ask yourself and be honest.

Also ask yourself would you want others to carry on with their life when you pass away?