How to Deal With Your Loved One's Deployment
By Alison Buckholtz Read the first helpful tip on how to deal with a loved one's deployment StandingByBook.com
Allow Imperfection into Your Life
Allow Imperfection into Your Life
The best advice I ever got was from a seasoned Army wife who had just welcomed her husband back from a one-year deployment. She told me, “Unrealistic expectations will sabotage you—life doesn’t have to be perfect. Pancakes and ice cream for dinner is not a bad thing.” No one is watching, and if they were, they would certainly understand why the household wasn’t in order during a long deployment. In our case, not only did pancakes and ice cream make several appearances, but there were plenty of days beds weren’t made and nights dishes weren’t done. Letting go of a few of the “rules” will also leave you more time to spend with children at home who may be extra-needy following a parent’s deployment.
Re-Create Your Family
Re-Create Your Family
Many military spouses continue to set a place at the table for an absent partner; others make a point of turning down the bed on both sides, even though they know they’ll be sleeping alone. In our case, understanding that we were a family of three during my husband’s deployment, rather than a family of four, ultimately allowed us to get on with life rather than feeling the hole in our family at every point in the day. In re-creating our family, we never forgot my husband; we simply gave ourselves the freedom to have our own new traditions and ways of doing things.
Keep It Simple
Keep It Simple
A loved one’s long-term absence makes life complicated enough, so don’t set your sights on overly ambitious goals during your partner’s absence. For example, if you and your spouse normally take the kids on an annual vacation and you want to keep the tradition going for the children’s sake, zero in on a spot within driving distance close to home, rather than one that would require passports, flights, and guidebooks. A stressed-out single parent is no fun for anyone.
Cry (Even if There Are Other People Around)
Cry (Even if There Are Other People Around)
In Jewish tradition, the Kaddish is traditionally recited by mourners who stand up in the midst of the congregation so that the rest of the community can recognize someone who needs support. Most military wives, however, quickly absorb the message to never stand out in a crowd—even in a crisis. And though many of these military wives really are as stoic as their husbands, keeping a stiff upper lip isn’t the answer for everyone. There were times during my husband’s deployment that I cried in the gym, the grocery store, and my daughter’s dance class. Inevitably, someone reached out to me, and talking through the issues helped me feel better.
Learn to Accept Help When It’s Offered.
Learn to Accept Help When It’s Offered.
Has a neighbor proposed to watch the children for a few hours? Say yes. Has a relative hinted that he’ll mow the lawn? Say yes. Has a friend said she’d like to bring you a meal? Yes! Yes! Yes! Though military spouses are used to doing many things on their own—and doing them well—the challenges of deployment tax even the most accomplished servicemembers’ spouses. If you feel like you can’t accept help without providing something in kind, simply ask how you can return the favor.
Open Yourself Up to a New Community
Open Yourself Up to a New Community
If you’ve never connected with a military spouse group, deployment is the perfect time to introduce yourself to the community of spouses who know exactly what you’re feeling. (If your deployed partner is a Reservist and there is no military community nearby, search for online discussion groups where support and advice is available 24/7.) Conversely, if you’re already a part of a military group, seeking out those from a different sphere may be a welcome relief. Keep your spiritual wits about you by searching for a faith community, a book club, a walking group, or any new gathering that will give you something interesting to do during an otherwise difficult time.
Re-Set Your Internal Clock
Re-Set Your Internal Clock
Deployments can seem interminable, especially at the beginning. Whether it’s six months, twelve months, or fourteen months, it’s hard to face the prospect of such a long absence. “Repackaging” the absence in smaller chunks—while giving yourself something to look forward to following each chunk—can help make the situation more manageable. During my husband’s last deployment, my children and I chose a fun day trip to take once a month, and we then counted down each month to that day. After all, getting through a month with something exciting waiting at the end of it is easier than getting through an entire year. Any weekly or monthly “milestones” work: some military friends count down the number of trash nights they have left in the deployment until their spouse comes home to take over trash duty again!
Volunteer
Volunteer
There’s nothing better to get you out of a slump than the satisfaction of helping someone else get out of theirs. The psychological benefits of volunteering are well known, and if you choose to volunteer for another military organization, or for on-base agencies, you may have a chance to see how other families weather the storm. It also may give you an opportunity to count your own blessings, and see your family’s situation in a new light.
Be a Hero to Your Child
Be a Hero to Your Child
Pick a day, any day—and make it special. If your child is having a rough time with your spouse’s deployment, turn an ordinary afternoon around by ditching the usual afterschool activities and going out for ice cream, painting your own pottery, or hanging out at the park. Assure relatives who want to help that it’s not hard to be a hero: in our case, my brother simply got down on the floor and wrestled with my son for hours—since during my husband’s deployment there were no men in the house for my son to wrestle with, and he missed it. I was grateful to my brother for doing “guy things” with my boy, who got the benefit of connecting with a male role model. My brother basked in the glow of being a hero, and knew he had done something good for people he cared for.
Perspective, Perspective, Perspective
Perspective, Perspective, Perspective
Instead of spending leisure time at the mall, theme parks or the hustle and bustle of a big city, focus on areas known for their natural beauty and outdoor activities. This gives family members left at home a chance to be inspired, reflect on the eternal—and put the current countdown into perspective.
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