How to Deal With Your Loved One's Deployment

By Alison Buckholtz

For military spouses enduring a partner’s deployment, staying positive may be the hardest struggle of all. I should know. I have been there. Here are ten tips to help military spouses call on their inner resources and make it through deployment.

Read the first helpful tip on how to deal with a loved one's deployment.

Alison Buckholtz is a Navy wife and the author of Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War. For more information, visit StandingByBook.com

Allow Imperfection into Your Life

The best advice I ever got was from a seasoned Army wife who had just welcomed her husband back from a one-year deployment. She told me, “Unrealistic expectations will sabotage you—life doesn’t have to be perfect. Pancakes and ice cream for dinner is not a bad thing.” No one is watching, and if they were, they would certainly understand why the household wasn’t in order during a long deployment. In our case, not only did pancakes and ice cream make several appearances, but there were plenty of days beds weren’t made and nights dishes weren’t done. Letting go of a few of the “rules” will also leave you more time to spend with children at home who may be extra-needy following a parent’s deployment.

Cry (Even if There Are Other People Around)

In Jewish tradition, the Kaddish is traditionally recited by mourners who stand up in the midst of the congregation so that the rest of the community can recognize someone who needs support. Most military wives, however, quickly absorb the message to never stand out in a crowd—even in a crisis. And though many of these military wives really are as stoic as their husbands, keeping a stiff upper lip isn’t the answer for everyone. There were times during my husband’s deployment that I cried in the gym, the grocery store, and my daughter’s dance class. Inevitably, someone reached out to me, and talking through the issues helped me feel better.

Open Yourself Up to a New Community

If you’ve never connected with a military spouse group, deployment is the perfect time to introduce yourself to the community of spouses who know exactly what you’re feeling. (If your deployed partner is a Reservist and there is no military community nearby, search for online discussion groups where support and advice is available 24/7.) Conversely, if you’re already a part of a military group, seeking out those from a different sphere may be a welcome relief. Keep your spiritual wits about you by searching for a faith community, a book club, a walking group, or any new gathering that will give you something interesting to do during an otherwise difficult time.

Re-Set Your Internal Clock

Deployments can seem interminable, especially at the beginning. Whether it’s six months, twelve months, or fourteen months, it’s hard to face the prospect of such a long absence. “Repackaging” the absence in smaller chunks—while giving yourself something to look forward to following each chunk—can help make the situation more manageable. During my husband’s last deployment, my children and I chose a fun day trip to take once a month, and we then counted down each month to that day. After all, getting through a month with something exciting waiting at the end of it is easier than getting through an entire year. Any weekly or monthly “milestones” work: some military friends count down the number of trash nights they have left in the deployment until their spouse comes home to take over trash duty again!

Be a Hero to Your Child

Pick a day, any day—and make it special. If your child is having a rough time with your spouse’s deployment, turn an ordinary afternoon around by ditching the usual afterschool activities and going out for ice cream, painting your own pottery, or hanging out at the park. Assure relatives who want to help that it’s not hard to be a hero: in our case, my brother simply got down on the floor and wrestled with my son for hours—since during my husband’s deployment there were no men in the house for my son to wrestle with, and he missed it. I was grateful to my brother for doing “guy things” with my boy, who got the benefit of connecting with a male role model. My brother basked in the glow of being a hero, and knew he had done something good for people he cared for.

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