The Queen of My Self


 Is when we celebrate love. It is an ideal time to think about loving and caring for ourselves, which is where all love and nurturing comes from. We can’t say, “I love you” unless we can say, “I”!

We have been sold a Hollywood bill of goods when it comes to romance. You know, how the handsome and suave leading man always knows exactly what to say — just the right things at the right time in the right tone — to make his lady love swoon.

Well, the truth is that someone directs this Prince Charming incarnate. And someone – often a woman — writes his lines for him. Lines she, no doubt, would love to hear. Wouldn’t we all?

What is more passionately romantic than a lover gazing deep into your eyes and reading the feelings and desires of your true being? This is the fantasy of an ideal lover who knows the truths of your soul and who knows exactly how to satisfy you in every way.

Unfortunately, most of us are not mind readers. It is so important to be able to ask for what we want rather than challenge our lover to intuit our feelings. Expecting someone else to know instinctively what we desire and what we need in any moment is very unfair and doomed to disappoint.

It is our job to know what we want and what we like, and it is

completely up to us to articulate our needs in such a way as to give them every chance of being met.

When I consult with the couples whose weddings I will officiate, I always urge them to include in their vows not only what they promise to bring to each other and the marriage, but also to ask for what they want to receive.

Taking the responsibility for our own happiness and fulfillment is a great gift to give a lover who, presumably wants to please and satisfy us  — or else why would we want to be with him/her anyway?

All those perfect words of comfort and devotion that we long to hear? We can say them to ourselves. Say them with feeling and meaning. We can show ourselves the attention and affection that we all crave — that we lavish on others, but never think to give to ourselves.

There is only one person in the world guaranteed to stay by our side until the day we die and that is us. So we better learn how to understand, nurture, love, honor and cherish ourselves so that we may know how to cherish and be cherished by another with no guessing games and no pressure.

Our primary love relationship has to be with ourselves. Someone once said, “In order to say ‘I love you,’ you have to be able to say ‘I.’”

When we take the time know our Self intimately and embrace all the parts of our being — body, mind, heart and spirit — whole-heartedly, unconditionally, with compassion and no judgment attached, we can be a sovereign lover — not dependant and not beholden. How glorious would that be?


Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

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