The Queen of My Self

By Wendi Knox

It’s more about the words we choose and the tone we take when talking to ourselves.

In fact, if you start paying attention to the conversations between You and You, you’ll hear things you’d never dream of saying to someone else.

(If a friend lost her car keys would you call her “Stupid?” Or if she had a little cellulite, would you dub her a “Fat Pig?” I rest my case.)

Everyday, our Inner Critics give us a  blow-by-blow assessment of how our faces, necks, arms. thighs, butts, stomachs, hair, skills, talents, love life and “you-name-its” don’t measure up to that supermodel, movie star or What’s-Her-Name.

And the truth is, deep down, not even What’s-Her-Name thinks she’s pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, successful enough or _____________enough either.

Of course, we don’t mean to treat our precious selves so harshly. But it seems to be what we’re programmed to do.

Somewhere, somehow, we got the message it wasn’t “nice” to be nice to the face in the mirror. So, we save all our kindness, empathy and words of encouragement for everyone else.

But ironically, though, the more we learn to direct our love inward, the more we receive from the outside world.

So, with that in mind, here are five Valentine gifts you can easily give yourself:

1.  Baby yourself. The thing is,we love babies unconditionally.
I mean really, have you ever said “You dummy. Don’t you know how to walk yet?”

Of course not. We tell wannabe toddlers “Good try” when their wobbly little legs give way. We allow for the fact that they’re learning and growing. And we love them for it. (Hint-hint.)

2.  See the best. Forget the rest. The next time you look in the mirror, instead of automatically zeroing in on what you don’t like, shift your focus.

Find something positive to say to yourself. (For instance, I’m trying to focus on the color of my eyes, instead of the dark circles under them.)

In fact, when no one’s around, I’ll even been known to compliment my reflection.. I know it sounds crazy. But it feels good.

3.  Think before you speak.

When my son was in kindergarten, he was taught to ask three questions before speaking to someone: “Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true?”

I never forgot those questions. And neither should you when you’re about to dis yourself.
4.  Literally create a new conversation.

All you need are some scissors, paper and markers. Cut out some hearts and write the kindest, most loving things you can say to yourself on them.

If you’re at a loss for words, start with “Love ya” or “Imperfectly perfect.” And then, tape your “conversation hearts” on your mirror, under your pillow or wherever you could use some love and encouragement.

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Donna Henes is the author of The Queen of My Self: Stepping into Sovereignty in Midlife. She offers counseling and upbeat, practical and ceremonial guidance for individual women and groups who want to enjoy the fruits of an enriching, influential, purposeful, passionate, and powerful maturity. Consult the MIDLIFE MIDWIFE™

The Queen welcomes questions concerning all issues of interest to women in their mature years. Send your inquiries to

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