The astrology that we practice today has its basis in principles that are thousands of years old. As a result, astrology can get pretty stale sometimes. Unless you’re one of those people who likes to liven things up by focusing on obscure and largely useless aspects (my favourite being the semiquindecile) or packing undue significance into obscure asteroids (“9618 Johncleese is the ruler of dead parrots”), it can be sometimes hard to keep the astrology fresh.

(No matter what transits are happening, how they play out in your life depends on your individual birth chart. Write me with your date, time, and place of birth — and I’ll send you a copy and a free sneak preview!)

I’d like to present a modest proposal that can change all that. Specifically, I believe we need to start reading the Zodiac in reverse order. Let me show you how that works.

We begin the renovated Zodiac with Pisces. Pisces has a reputation for being shy and withdrawn, and all it really needed was a meddling stage mom to shove it up front and center against its will. Plus, that will make for an interesting story to tell later in life when the inevitable need for therapy kicks in.

Next comes Aquarius. Whose idea was it to stick the Sign of the Innovator second to last, anyway? Aquarius doesn’t want to be the mad scientist that comes up with the last minute solution to the monster attack. Aquarius would much rather be the mad scientist who created that monster in the first 15 minutes of the movie.

Capricorn is a natural fit for third place. Honestly, with Pisces and Aquarius ahead of it? Someone’s going to have to clean up and organize this mess.

Fourth place in the new Zodiac goes to Sagittarius. Sagittarius has a tendency to get bored with things and wander off, so we might as well cover that Sign while it’s still paying attention, then hand it a drink and just let it chill. Or, hand Sagittarius the entire bottle so it will stick around longer.

While we’re at it, we might as well get Scorpio out of the way relatively soon. If we make Scorpio the fifth Sign of the Zodiac instead of the eighth, perhaps it will have fewer things to hold a grudge about. Or maybe not, but it’s worth a try.

This parks Libra right in the middle, just as always. Since Libra is already entirely used to that, and seems to actually enjoy that position, I am not about to mess with it. Without the Zodiac having the Libra fulcrum to balance on, it might collapse — and wouldn’t be dressed nicely while doing so.

Virgo comes in at the seventh position. Admit it: if you are seven-twelfths of the way through a long road trip, you need a shower and fresh underwear. Also, the Seventh House is associated with marriage and partnerships, and I’ve had more than one wife tell me regularly that I need a shower and fresh underwear.

Leo at number eight? No problem. I know nothing about numerology, but according to a thirty-second Google search, apparently “nine” is some kind of “master number” or the “pinnacle” or “the culmination of a cycle” or something like that. Tell this to Leo and throw in a complement about Leo’s hair or outfit, and I’m sure it will suit Leo just fine.

Cancer has always had a bit of a reputation for being moody and emotional. At least by placing Cancer in ninth place, relatively near the end of the Zodiac, we will give it something to be moody and emotional about, without Cancer having to manufacture or play up a story about a bad childhood. See, Cancer? I DO care about your feelings.

Tenth spot is an excellent fit for Gemini. By this point, Gemini will have a lot of interesting stories to recount about the nine guys ahead of it, rather than constantly just questioning everything and reciting trivia tidbits.

Taurus is a natural placement for near the end of the Zodiac. I too was a bulky, slow, and lumbering thing when I was a kid. However the one thing this made me excel at was being the anchor for my tug-of-war team in PE.This helped me deal successfully with my repressed rage and urge to overeat.

Finally, there is no need to justify making Aries the last Sign. Aries got impatient and left somewhere around mid-Capricorn and won’t be listening anyway.


Arranging the twelve Signs in this order will have some distinct benefits. For one thing, it means you were born with both your Sun and Moon retrograde. That might not make sense at first… but just look at how your life has turned out so far and tell me I’m wrong.


Matthew Currie is a professional astrologer and writer. His lecture on “Integrating The Semiquindecile And 9618 Johncleese Into Ancient Hellenistic Techniques” will be presented soon, loudly, on a street corner near you.

Want to know how to work with the current and future energy to get maximum benefit? Feel free to write me about it!

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