Oh My Stars

(Please note: Matthew’s air conditioning has broken down in the middle of our current heat wave, and is in no shape to provide the serious dissertation on the philosophical and metaphysical underpinnings of Traditional Hellenistic Astrology as originally planned. In its place we present an overheated ramble on the fine art of producing Sun Sign forecasts. We apologize for the inconvenience.)

Next week I will be introducing a new feature to my blog: a weekly Sun Sign horoscope. I know that saying a weekly Sun Sign horoscope is “a new feature” is a little like saying that a religion is “a new take on spirituality.” Even if it is a new religion, odds are very good that it’s going to be saying more or less the same things in more or less the same ways that religions always have said. And, by the way, a lot of people will ultimately end up getting it wrong anyway.

I feel more than a small amount of pity for any astrologer who writes a Sun Sign forecast. Well-written Sun Sign forecasts can be very useful, but is ultimately limited compared to what an actual reading can do for you. The entire emphasis on “Sun Signs” is largely an accident of the calender system Western society uses. If we had a lunar based calendar, people would be able to figure out their Moon Signs just by looking at their birthday. The Moon Sign is, in many ways, just as useful and important as the Sun Sign.

Now, for those of you who have wondered, here’s how the typical Sun Sign forecast is written, more or less. Study the techniques and in time you too can be your very own Linda C. Black!

(Linda C. Black, for the record, is a syndicated astrologer who died in 2009, yet still produces daily horoscopes. That sort of thing is a little spooky if you ask me. Then again, if V.C. Andrews can do it, why not?)

Suppose that next week the big event is Mars opposite Uranus. Mars is in Libra and Uranus is in Aries. If you are a Sun Sign Libra, this is roughly equivalent of Mars transiting through your First House being opposed by Uranus in your Seventh House. Mars passing through the First House of your birth chart tends to make you more energetic, rambunctious, and outgoing. Uranus going through your Seventh House tends to make relationships and partnerships relatively wild and exciting and unpredictable. Oppositions create dynamic tension.

If you are an Aries, it’s like having Uranus passing through your First House and Mars through your Seventh… regardless of your actual House placements…because Aries and Libra are opposite each other and “you” = “First House.” Get it?

So, putting those facts together, the Aries and Libra forecast kind of write themselves.

ARIES: Your mate is going to be a maniac, because you’re being a weirdo.

LIBRA: Your mate is going to be a weirdo, because you’re being a maniac.

Similarly… now go with me on this… Aries is the “12th house” of Taurus, and Libra is the “12th house” of Scorpio, being the Signs that immediately precede Taurus and Scorpio. Opposite the 12th House is the Sixth House, so the 12th and Sixth Houses of Taurus are Aries and Libra, and the 12th and Sixth Houses of Scorpio are Libra and Aries.

With me so far? Good.

Since the 12th house has a lot to do with things like spirituality, karma, hidden matters, and your deep mental state, and the Sixth House rules things like daily work routines, filing an organization, and your health, here’s what the Taurus and Scorpio forecasts would look like:

TAURUS: You are putting a lot of work into the daily details of your life, because in fact you are crazy. You need medication.

SCORPIO: You are feeling crazy, because in fact your daily details are all screwed up. You need Feng Shui.

Once again, I have grotesquely oversimplified the process, but that’s the basics of how it works. Just throw in all the other planetary happenings for the week using the same basic concepts, and you’ve got it made.You can probably also now see why some Sun Sign forecasts also tell you to go by your Moon Sign and the Sign of your ascendant, assuming you know what those are.

Now, let’s toss out some quick and handy keywords for each of the planets, because as we all know, simplifying the complexities the Human Condition down to a bunch of quick clichés never went wrong, ever:

SUN: Your need to be more Special than all of God’s other Special Little Snowflakes.

MOON: Whining, moody, poor-me-ism.

MERCURY: Yammering, blathering, your crackpot ideas that never go anywhere.

VENUS: Why does no one love me??

MARS: I swear I will kill you all!!

JUPITER: Overdoing it, being a blowhard, being sure you’re always right abut everything.

SATURN: Oh God, my back! My back is killing me!

URANUS: Whaddaya mean I’m crazy? You’re crazy! My idea for The Bathtub Toaster is BRILLIANT!”

NEPTUNE: Drunkenness, stupidity, and that steadfast refusal to think of your kid as anything but “A glorious Indigo Child” and “a reincarnated Ascended Master” even when The Little Darling has set fire to the neighbor’s house and vivisected your cat.

PLUTO: Look out, he’s got a gun! And so do I!!


So, there you have it. I have just handed you the keys to the kingdom as to how to write a Sun Sign forecast. You may now get to work writing your own, and you too can enjoy the lucrative cash benefits of becoming a professional astrology writer.

(Pause for laughter)

Okay: I admit that it’s a little more complex than just that, but that’s the essence of it. I’ve been looking at a lot of other people’s daily and weekly sunshine forecast, and the more I look, the more I realize what a fine art it is writing those things without either becoming dull as dishwater or losing your mind and going on a machete rampage.


Oh wait… you say that’s too much work for you? Okay. Join me back here next Sunday evening/Monday morning, and we’ll see if I go either of those routes myself. And hey, I’ll probably throw in an adorable animal video too, because that sort of thing works for Gawker and Buzzfeed.

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