Oh My Stars

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Karma. Delicious, Southern-Fried Karma.

Saturn has turned retrograde, stopping at 23 degrees Scorpio and traveling all the way in reverse to 16 degrees Scorpio before moving forward again in July. Some claim retrograde planets are weaker in their overall effects, and others claim they are actually stronger. One thing most astrologers seem to agree on though is that right at the time of the Station — when a retrograde is beginning or ending — a planet takes on particular strength and/or significance. This can be unfortunate in Saturn’s case, because although the things Saturn rules are absolutely necessary, they are rarely “fun.”  Retrograde or not, one ignores Saturn at one’s peril. Saturn is a bit like the undertaker in an old Western movie: even when he’s not up to anything in particular, everyone gets the impression he’s secretly measuring them for a coffin.

A retrograde period gives us a chance to stop and think about things. In the case of Saturn, this can be a chance to stop and think about the things that are smacking us in the head. One thing is for sure: whether Saturn is retrograde or not, it has its effects. Saturn often represents the fulfillment of Karma. Often, that Karma is not the happy-fuzzy feel-good Karma we like to imagine happens all the time — “if I keep handing out my spare change to panhandlers I’ll win the lottery, because Karma” — it’s often more the old-school “why is this terrible crap happening to me?” style of Karma.


Imagine you are a character in one of those classic, mostly-terrible 80s horror movies, enjoying a long weekend of teen debauchery at Camp Missingpersons… except that the ensuing terrible deaths aren’t the more or less random choices of a scriptwriter who decided it would be cool to see someone get killed with a Garden Weasel. This horror movie was produced by PETA, and Camp Missingpersons is built over the remains of an old battery-cage factory chicken farm. Everyone will (at first) dismiss the haunting baaawwwwwwk baaawwwwwwk they hear outside at night as merely the wind in the trees… whoever heard of a vengeful ghost chicken, right? We haven’t got time for campfire tales of revenge, we want to party!

But like all decent horror movies, there is an element of Cosmic Justice to who gets offed, and how. Fortunately, unlike the teens at Camp Missingpersons, we have a chance to examine the symbolism of this twisted plot and are given a chance to escape the consequences, or at least face them bravely.

The specifics of this Saturn Retrograde depend on your individual birth chat, but there are certain general observations that can be made based on your age group.

If you were born between May 1950-October 1953 or July 1991-November 1993, Saturn will be square or conjunct your natal Pluto. You’re like that skeptical kid who laughs at ghost stories and silly superstitions, who dismisses that phantom baaawwwwwwk baaawwwwwwk as nonsense and insists that there’s “a perfectly good reason” why the other kids are going missing one at a time. You love your fried chicken and always thought chickens were stupid and deserved to die.

If you were born between August 1950-November 1953 or November 1992-April 1995, Saturn will be conjunct or square your natal Neptune.  You’re like the co-ed who just wants to have a good time and go with the flow, and who figures that a little midnight skinny-dipping will be perfectly safe, because, hey… skinny-dipping is awesome! You never once gave a second thought to the life your Three Piece with a Biscuit had before you ordered it.

If you were born between July 1952-August 1954 or October 1971-November 1973 or January 1992-March 1994 or June-December 1994, Saturn will be square or conjunct your Uranus. You’re like the cranky old groundskeeper who everyone suspects is behind it all, but you’re going to end up just as skewered as everyone else if you don’t lighten up a little and embrace the obvious, even if the obvious is kind of insane. You always laughed in the face of those hippie Animal Rights protestors.

If you were born between December 1954-November 1955 or October-December 1984 or May-October 1985, you are experiencing your Saturn Return. You are like the earnest kid who inherited Camp Missingpersons and figures that if he just tries hard enough, he can re-open the old place and be it’ll be a huge tourist attraction. You’ve got some good ideas, but you’ve also made some serious errors accounting for life’s harsh realities. Besides, a summer camp is way cooler than the battery-cage factory chicken farm your parents built on the same property.

And now… here’s the classic 80s horror punchline: this has all happened before. Saturn swept through those same degrees last November to January… and will happen again in July-November this year. You thought the horror was almost over, but you’re only in the middle of it right now!

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