Ineffective and poor communication can complicate even the greatest relationships. After the intoxicating infancy of love makes way for the mundane, connecting can be difficult. Our relationship choices stem from our past. We are initially drawn to individuals who are familiar to us in some manner. People who somehow resemble our family of origin. Hence, […]
Matters of the heart are messy, right?
It’s impossible to move on from most relationships, right?
The answer to both of these questions would be yes.
Yet, we are the ones who often get in our own way.
We rationalize why we stay in unhealthy relationships.
And because of this fact, we remain in them or stay for longer than we should. We focus on the unhealthy aspects or person in the relationship. We talk about them. We try and fix them. We voice our discontent. We cry for help.
We do everything except look within ourselves for the answers.
The focus is on what is happening around us. What is happening to us.
The person who is hurting us. The person who is disappointing us. The pain we are experiencing.
But the answers do lie within us. Within our own self-reflection. Our own education.
Our hearts are not truly out of control though it may feel this way.
Another individual doesn’t really have the power to continually hurt us. We don’t have to stay in unhappy relationships. We don’t have to settle.
The power which we have given away to our hearts can be regained.
By the knowledge of why we can’t move on from most relationships.
Therefore, it’s kinda good news-bad news.
A lot of relationships have run their course and/or are unhealthy – the bad news.
We can move on and heal much faster than we typically do – the good news.
5 Reasons You’re Refusing to Acknowledge Your Relationship is Over
Confusing Enabling with Kindness
It is simply not okay to be hurt repeatedly by someone nor to put up with repeated bad behavior.
Forgiveness is forgiving bad behavior once or twice.
Enabling is forgiving bad behavior over and over again.
It is not okay to be continually lied to, ignored, cheated on, controlled, etc. It is not okay to have another individual disrupt life with gambling, drinking, addiction, overspending, etc.
Refusing to Accept Someone for Who They Truly Are
People repeatedly hurt us because we allow them to do so.
This is who this person is.
Stop making excuses.
If they cared about the one they loved they would not hurt that person again and again.
If they wanted help for an addiction or affliction they would be motivated to do so themselves. Instead, we convince ourselves their illness prevents them from seeking help. The expression ‘you can lead a horse to water’ holds true. If multiple attempts have been made to get a partner help for their illness but they refuse to seek help themselves not much will change until they truly want to get well.
Lots of people have problems. Lots of people experience loss and chaos in their lives. It’s not okay to have another person take out their pain on their partner.
If someone mistreats us it is a choice they make and it is not to be excused. They are showing us who they are.
Romanticizing a Relationship or an Individual
Many ideal people and/or relationships exist solely in our own minds.
They aren’t the people or the relationships we really believe them to be.
They are what we idealize them to be. The individual we continue to think the best of despite what they show us. The relationship we want to insist we have rather than the one which doesn’t suit our wants or needs nor makes us happy.
We can’t stop them from hurting us because we have created an idealized version of them in our own minds. Or of the relationship, marriage, or family we always wanted. We tell ourselves they may not be the best spouse but a family is a great unit together.
Romanticizing a relationship or individual is simply living in denial.
It is not living in reality.
Not Knowing Ourselves Well Enough
The inability to let go of an individual or a relationship can say more about ‘who we are’ than the other person.
Do we care too much? Do we see the best in people? Do we keep giving a person more changes? Do we lack boundaries? Do we remain in unhealthy relationships? Do we refuse to acknowledge who someone is despite them repeatedly showing us who they are? Do we try and please people? Do we try and fix things?
We can’t blame another person for being difficult or controlling if we allow it.
We can’t blame an individual for getting away with bad behavior if we keep excusing it, seeing the best in them, forgiving it, etc.
The choices we make are rooted in our own personalities.
A Lack of Awareness of Our Family of Origin
The people we choose to surround ourselves with our based upon our family of origin.
What is familiar to us? What did we see in relationships while growing up?
We often stay in relationships confusing ‘love’ with what is ‘familiar.’
If we saw an overly caring parent tolerate the other parent’s bad behavior we may do the same.
We may confuse what is healthy and unhealthy about love because it feels comfortable.
An awareness of the family of origin can diminish the likelihood of repeating past mistakes.
Relationship heartache is very real and unavoidable.
However, it can be diminished and people can move on more quickly to happier and healthier unions.
Counseling and self-awareness can lead to the acceptance the relationship is over. And the angst can be tempered by the fact another person is not necessarily to blame (despite their bad behavior) because we all make individual choices.
We are not powerless.
In fact, we are once again ’empowered’ understanding the power was within us all along to make ourselves happier.
If only we had chosen to look ‘inside rather than outside’ the relationship sooner.
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