Things are getting better.

I no longer remember what it is like to feel the pain of being attached to two. Instead, I am remembering the joy of being just one.

No, it is not as contradictory as it sounds.

I am not encouraging a selfishness or a lack of longing to one day know a partnership again.

I am just feeling the security, the predictability of regaining myself.

What does that mean?

It means that I no longer experience the pain of someone taking my life in a different direction without my permission or control. It means I can’t be hurt.

The more I find myself, I question…

Why did I simultaneously fall out of love with my husband and with myself?

It is somewhat of a riddle or one of those complex math problems.

“Married woman is divorcing and losing the love of one husband. At the same time, she loses the love of herself. How much love does the soon to be divorced woman have?”

You get the idea.

Why does losing the love of one person, make us feel like we don’t really love or like ourselves?

Sure, it ends up being temporary, but while you are experiencing a divorce it feels like a LONG temporary.

The answer to this math problem?

I think that we hate our spouse for letting us down, but we also hate ourselves for allowing the situation. For staying, for putting up with things, for all of it. So we attach some of the bad to us even if we weren’t the party who did the hurting. Even if we were the party who tried to save and fix the relationship.

So who do you really fall out of love with in divorce?

Initially, ourselves. Oh, and that person that didn’t really deserve us.

The good news?

The math word problem eventually comes out in our favor.

“Divorced woman loses the love of one husband. At the same time, she gains the love of herself. How much love does the divorced woman have?”

The answer? MORE!

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