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It is late and the moon peaks out slightly from the dark sky. I toss and turn and then grab for my phone. I shouldn’t leave it resting on the bedside table. A poor habit which makes it even more difficult to find sleep each night.
I start typing column notes into my phone. I do this frequently since the solitude of divorce ushers endless thoughts in the quietest time of my day.
I furiously tap the keys of my phone. My first few words…”I now realize that divorce is not a loss.”
Not only did I disappear while waiting for the man I married to reappear, but I gave far too much to someone who took too much.
I simply wasn’t loved. I am baffled that I ever thought I was.
He never loved me enough to surrender an argument.
He never loved me enough to dry my tears.
He never loved me enough to beg to see my smile.
He never loved me enough to find walking out the door too painful.
He never loved me enough to believe I was a prize worth fighting for.
I was never truly loved. I had just grown to accept a one-sided relationship that brought with it Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
You don’t hold onto love. You give love away.
You give love away when you surrender an argument, dry tears, beg for smiles, find walking out too painful and believe love is a prize worth fighting for.
You don’t accept too little from someone who takes too much.
To be truly loved…you look for the people who give love away.
No, my divorce is not a loss. Love was at a loss far before that.
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