A Fear of Whales

Dear Friend

Dear Person I Once Knew,

I have to write you this letter, but I’m afraid I can’t address it, so you’ll probably never read it. You’ve just gotten engaged to the wrong man. This marriage will end in disaster and unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. You cannot tell a blushing bride to be that she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life. It’s not good manners.

But this is a pattern I’ve seen over and over and it seems to be increasing in frequency. So I’m writing this letter to you, not for you. You my dear, are screwed. Instead I’m writing in hopes that some other young women might read this before it’s too late for them. they might know the pattern, they might see it coming, and they might not be resigned to your fate.

You were raised in a loving christian home. Your parents were high achievers and so were you. You often thought about what your life would be like when you grew up and left that house and met the man who would love your and care for you for the rest of your life. and in return for his love and protection you would submit. You would follow his firm but fair leadership, and rear the children and so on.

…Well he was behind schedule wasn’t he? It’s just like men to not follow the script properly! You didn’t get your first real boyfriend until college, and that boy was all wrong! he wasn’t your dream man at all! I mean you thought he was for a little while, but no, he was weak, and immature, and… just… not right, but you learned a lot about men in that relationship. Most importantly, you learned you wanted one!

Then you met the other guy. the new guy. The guy you’re going to spend the rest of your marriage with. Him! And he was a rebound.

Let’s face it. He was.

You dumped the first guy, and you were lonely. He was there.

I mean you waited a little while in between, propriety was involved, none of your other girlfriends who date a lot would have called it a rebound, but you and I know the truth. He was below your standards and you dated him because you were lonely and there were no other options right then.

Well unlike the first guy this one turned out better than expected. Apparently you weren’t out of his league after all, He was out of yours! I mean what other reason could there be for him caring so little about impressing you.

You two didn’t actually start dating until several months after it was obvious to everyone around you that you liked him. and even when you did start dating it wasn’t public. but that’s not big deal, It’s certainty not because he’s not actually committed to you… even though there was that one time… yeah, no, that was just a mistake. That’s not why he doesn’t want it to be official. He told you that’s not why. and you trust him implicitly! The real reason for the secret is probably because what you have is special, and not this worldly conformist dating relationship that the Non-Christians have. this is more like the old days, where you wait for his hand.

Well that came!

Pretty quick huh?

Seemed like it took 6 months for you two to start dating and then you were kinda engaged in a couple weeks. You must really be in love for things to be happening so fast! and now you can finally make up the time you lost in College!

You think this story ends with 2.5 kids, a dog and a happily ever after doesn’t it?

I’m sorry It doesn’t.

You see: You’re too good for him.

You’re an 8 and he’s a 4

You’re settling for him because you infatuated with him right now, and because you’re running behind schedule and thought this day would never come and it finally has with a guy that’s really… not horrible… but trust me. You can do better.

He’s a child. He thinks himself wise but he is a fool, he’s mean to people who he considers to be below him, and that category will soon include you, and he is not professionally secure. (He didn’t give you a real diamond did he?) Guys like him are a dime a dozen, and they would all gladly fight over you if they thought for a moment they might actually win your love.

He will never be a spiritual leader for you. You’re ahead of him. You know God, and what the bible teaches, you are prepared to put it into practice. You just need someone to show you how. He on the other hand is a part of a religion called Christianity and he has figured out how to use it to get what he wants. Do you remember that time when you both sinned, and you realized it and apologized? What did he do?

You might wonder how I know this much about you and your relationship. After all it’s not like we’ve kept in touch. You don’t much speak to other boys since you started dating Him. He wouldn’t like that.

I know because I know the story.

Because I know you

And because the pattern doesn’t change.

I’ve seen your relationship move from first encounter, to first spark, to dati-, to engagement, to marriage, to marital bliss, to marital unhappiness, to marital desperation, to divorce. I’ve seen it over and over. It’s always the same.

Right now I have 3 divorced, 2 married, 1 newly married, 5 engaged, 2 dating and 2 "not" dating friends

nobody has broken from the pattern yet.

Consider waiting a couple years before you have kids.

Join the Discussion
comments powered by Disqus