For many of us in the U.S., this marks more than six months that we have been in quarantine. I refer to it as ‘self solituding’ and the experience has been both terrifying and comforting. In mid-March, as the buds were beautifully blossoming, I was turning inward, attempting to wrap my mind around the possibility […]
Do you recognize that line between an-ti-ci-pa-tion and anxiety when launching anything new? I do. It’s where I am right now with one foot on either side of the divide. Each morning for months, I have been waking up with butterflies in my stomach as I face the new adventures that await. Sometimes it is with eager energy, as I am ready to leap out of bed. At other moments I would much rather stay under the comfy covers, hiding from the doubt monsters that snarkily sneer that I will never do enough or be enough to have all that I desire in my life. Although I consider myself relatively calm and easy-going without the roller coaster ride of feelings that characterize many of the clients I serve as a therapist, there are times when I get emotionally hijacked as they scoop me up and run away with me. The good news is that ninja-like, I have become adept at escaping the fears that threaten to drag me under.
I do the best I can to accomplish something beyond the basics of eating, sleeping, bathing and dressing. It could take the form of writing articles, editing books, seeing clients, being interviewed for podcasts, scheduling, promoting and facilitating classes and workshops, officiating at ceremonies as a minister, and teaching mindfulness to little kiddos. Hard to imagine, but there are days when I do 50% or more of these combined activities. Not sure what is driving my desire to engage so fully; financial or emotional need. Even if I didn’t have to earn an income (how lovely would that be?), I would still do all the things since it enlivens me.
As I am writing this, I am watching the snow waft down. It was a day filled with verbs as I had planned to see clients in my office, but it closed early due to the weather. I had already shoveled my driveway, cleared off my car, helped an elderly neighbor dig out, took a walk in the winter wonderland, did laundry, emptied the dishwasher, sent additions for my website to my web designer, and spoke with a friend who wanted to pick my brain about relationship work for his practice. It benefitted me as well since it assisted me in getting clarity on my own interactive paradigm and what has, to date, prevented me from attracting and maintaining a consistent and committed partnership in the past 20 years.
What am I anticipating in the next few months? Although my calendar is filled with events and activities, I am open to whatever the celestial scheduler has in mind for me.
Photo credit: Pixabay