Lately I have been feeling adrift on a sea of ‘just don’t know’ in nearly every area of my life, from work to health, to relationships. It seems like I am buffeted about by the literal and symbolic winds of change, not sure on which shore I will land. While it can be exhilarating, it can also be downright terrifying. In this moment, I am caught between both states.

An overnight storm continued into the morning and as I am propped up with pillows and a blanket on my son’s couch, listening to the rain and wind do their dance together, I am typing through half mast eyes. Spent several hours last night on two visits to the ER with my son who had a head injury a few days ago. His symptoms exacerbated yesterday afternoon and he called me while I was en route from Atlantic City on a train and asked me to take him to the ER. Fortunately I was only a few stops from where he lives.

Maintaining a sense of calm, as was modeled by my mother who was the rock of the family, I scooped him up and ferried him over. The doc diagnosed a concussion which required meds and strict instructions to take a few days off work, rest, refrain from playing soccer, looking at screens, playing video games. In other words, according to my 28 year old “Nothing fun.”

The idea of anchoring has come up a few times over the past week with one friend suggesting that I anchor my flitting butterfly self that sometimes feels at the whim of the cosmos and buffeted about helplessly.  I responded that it seemed like an anchor could weigh me down. His take on it was that it would help me feel more grounded. In conversation with another friend, it was posited that perhaps I need to anchor to uncertainty, since it is what I am experiencing it. Rather than resisting, he wondered how it would be for me to embrace it.  Not sure exactly what that would look like, so I am checking in throughout my days about what is the next thing that needs doing, flowing with the next emotion that arises, responding to the next need.  I am in constant communication with the God of my understanding, since perhaps It understands far more than I do about what to do. I am learning to be a worthy sailor and keep my ship of dreams from going adrift.