I was listening to an  NPR interview today with author Scott Chesire whose initial book  is called High As the Horses’ Bridles, which is a reference to an image connected with Armageddon. It is a novel, but in part, is based on his own experience as a Jehovah’s Witness. In his conversation on Radio Times with Marty Moss-Coane, he speaks of ‘fleeing’ the church over twenty years ago. He acknowledged being part of a community that was exclusionary and condemned those who didn’t believe as they did, to hellfire and brimstone death. He had been a child preacher, as had a few of his friends. He said that while he didn’t have spiritual visions or revelations, he had dreams. “Conversations with the Divine was alive and well,” in his tribe, so it was unusual for him not to have them. Part of the belief was in an angry, vengeful God. Seems that Chesire no longer believes that.

He discovered that for some, there is comfort in the thought of the Apocalypse. “It is an attempt to have (loss and death) have meaning.” As he wrote the book, he found that people he thought of as ‘others’ when he was in Jehovah’s Witness, were considered separate. “There is an other, there is a me, there is a right, there is a wrong,” is what he was taught. Religion is meant to be about unity and not divisiveness, but for many, it has become that.

Cheshire’s says about his main character Josiah’s take on spirituality. “He’s not so sure faith is a thing that can ever be lost.”

He adds: ” Life is not a movie. I think it is a process, the loss of faith. Loss of faith comes from something more profound, which is religious disappointment.”

When I heard that line, it occurred to me that in my darkest, most frightening times, there was no loss of faith and God hadn’t let me down. It was more about changing my mind about God. Who S/He is. Who I am in connection to that Source. What I expect of the Divine. When I was a child, I thought God made things happened or prevented things from happening. Now I know that the God of my understanding, to use a 12 Step term, changes moment by moment. I was with a few people today in my personal life who were facing crises. What I said to all of them, was that, for me, Spirit is that with which I am in constant contact and gets me through whatever arises. It is that sense that ultimately all is well, regardless of appearances. It is what pulled me through several life crises in the past twenty years or so. When I continually change my view of God, I feel more enlivened, more trusting that I will land on my feet and better able to express that to others; not in an airy fairy, cosmic foo foo way, but rather, in a deeply grounded way.

One thing I do know, is that no matter how often I may change my mind about God, God never changes Her/His mind about me. For that I am eternally grateful.