You have to give to get

“We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”
-Marianne Williamson

Because of my writing, inviting people to ask me anything, and presence on Facebook, I have the honor and privilege of meeting people from all over the world.   And no matter where they come from, I have found one thing that absolutely everyone has in common:

Everyone is dealing with something

Everyone has some situation they are faced with that they are unhappy with, or something they’d like to change about themselves, or their lives.   Very few people are completely content with who they are and what they have.

So where does this dissatisfaction come from?

We talked before about how the root of all dissatisfaction is attachment; we aren’t upset about how things are, we are upset that they aren’t how we wish they were.

And what does this have to do with finding unconditional love?  Only everything.
I’m going to let you in on three secrets; things that can be painful to hear, but once you understand them will literally change your life forever.


Love cannot exist without forgiveness.
We have talked MANY times about how to trust, and how to forgive, but it’s really impossible to overstate how important this is. In my
Coaching work, one of the first things I do is help them figure out the source of their problem(s), which 99.9% of the time is rooted in a lack of forgiveness. Someone, somewhere, hurt them and they have been carrying a grudge (often unconsciously), ever since.


You can’t forgive anyone, or let anyone forgive you any more than you’ve forgiven yourself.
Recently I was talking to a Client who lost a loved one suddenly and quite unexpectedly. At first it seemed like the normal grieving process, until it started to take a very self-destructive downward spiral. In the process of working through things, we uncovered that they were mad at the person who’d died for leaving; but in response to that, they were punishing *themselves* for it. It may seem like you were the helpless victim of what someone else did or didn’t do; but often times we still blame ourselves for letting it happen.

Only when you’ve given up your anger, can you truly love unconditionally.
You can’t love anyone, or let anyone love you more than you love yourself. Until you’ve forgiven the person that hurt you for what they’ve done (or haven’t done), can you create the space to love ANYONE unconditionally. If you look at the relationships around you, you may see that many people’s love is highly conditional.

Don’t believe me?

How many relationships have you seen break up because one person did something the other person didn’t approve of?  How many family relationships were destroyed when a child made career, religious, or lifestyle choices that a parent didn’t approve of?  How many friendships have fallen apart over a misunderstood text message or Twitter post?

Now, to be clear: this doesn’t mean unconditional love means you have to become a doormat, far from it.  What it does mean is you are secure enough in yourself that you aren’t so afraid of being hurt that you run or drive people away the first time they disappoint you.  It means that you learn how to let people be themselves, rather than judging them for not being who you want them to be. 

So I’ll let you in on one last secret: the key to finding unconditional love is to GIVE unconditional love.
The sad reality is if I’d put that as the title, very few people would have read this!  So many people are attached to being ‘right’, that they want everyone to bow down and apologize for all the things they’ve done and beg for forgiveness.

But, quite the opposite is true; the process of ‘finding’ unconditional love is actually the process of giving unconditional love, and then allowing it to come back to you.  So much of what we do is meant to be a defense mechanism to keep us from getting hurt, but those walls don’t really do anything but seal us off from the world.

But now you can see it, and that means you can control it.
And you know what else?

You are GREAT, and I love you (unconditionally!)

What do you think? Feel free to comment down below!

You are great, and I love you!

And if you love me back, click ‘share’ up at the top!

B. Dave Walters

Writer, Life Coach, and Talk Radio Host

Find out more about me:

Ask me anything:

Pages I support:
Jesus and Buddha  — Interfaith dialog

Gnostic Theism — Religion and Spirituality for the 21st Century (Join the Movement!)

Love One Another —  A group for the coolest Spiritual people on the Internet!


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