I recently went to see the movie A Fault in Our Stars.
Why would I watch a sad cancer movie? Aren’t I all about good vibes? My teenage daughter wanted to see it, so of course I went to see it. It was so good!
My mama heart felt it so intensely. And my 18 year old self that met my hubby all those years ago felt that falling in love feeling and the thought of losing it.
It’s always worth the risk of loving and of losing it somehow, in some way.
I won’t give anything away, but the acting was impeccable. So many themes about pain, emotional and physical. love in its truest sense, and how we want to be remembered in life. I’ll watch it again and get even more of it. I left with a sense of peace when it was over. In the middle of the movie though, I stepped outside to text my son who was seeing the same movie with friends a half an hour away. Trying to figure out how he was getting home when he said it was all taken care of. I tried to firm up plans the day before but that’s not what happened. Of course, my son didn’t text me back, but I had to trust he was okay. Times like that when I wish I could make the world all good for him. He just finished seventh grade today and I wish I could bubble wrap him. My oldest daughter is taking her driver’s test to get her license on Monday, which is her seventeenth birthday. I don’t know how we got here. But I need to learn to trust on a deeper level. Fear arises as growth accelerates. This is how my personal journey goes, spiritually, and as the mother of five kids. Deep breath and do not go to worse-case scenarios.
I swear my heart was not formed with the protective outer shell that many people have. I have always been sensitive, compassion, and empathetic. My mama bear heart. She can’t watch anything with sick kids or where they are hurt in any way. Her and my wounded child within can scare the crap outta me, if I let them have the steering wheel of my life. And really, no amount of worry will ever form as a protective barrier against life.
Sometimes I need to quiet my little girl fears, in moments of joy as it sucker punches me and jumps out out of closets like the boogeyman. Like splinter that I just can’t find or else if yank it out. In those gray hair making moments of wondering how I can make things safe and forevermore make my kids happy and healthy, that my husband will be sipping tea with me in our old age, rocking on the chairs hand-in-hand with twinkling eyes at each other. I’ve made many plea bargains with God that I’d never need a new pair of heels if I could assure my kids would never suffer a woe. I had to let go of that and stop making my Divine connection tainted. It remains pure and I stay in gratitude.
I will still dream big. I will not play small, not for fear of daring to reach for even more greatness, means I would have more to lose. I will trust. I will release my fears, worries, doubts, guilts, regrets, shames, and all those uncomfortable parts of my humanness and hand them over to the Divine. All I can do is trust, keep flying, trusting the Universe will provide the gentle breeze to guide me along my journey.