I am really “woo woo.” But I’m very real too.
I have always felt like I didn’t fit in. I did and then I didn’t. Often. I felt too weird for the normal people and too normal for the weird people. I would feel I had to be different sides of me, depending on where I was. Everyone does that to a certain degree, but I felt I lost myself for a while. I learned that not everyone is going to like you and this is okay. Me liking me is the most important thing. I’m not afraid to broadcast that I’m a vegetarian anymore, which sounds weird, but sometimes I could feel the energy shift when I’d say that and I’d be judged silently and harshly. I’d have a friend adore me and I’d meet her hubby. She’d state that I didn’t eat me and his eyes would suddenly change and I was instantly woo woo, a hippie, a flake, a radical, or whatever.
You see, I am very sensitive. I’ve always been. I didn’t even realize until a few years ago that I could communicate with those who have crossed over (only have done it a few times by accident), spirit guides, and that I could sense entities/thoughtforms/energy. I didn’t know that my panic attacks were another energy coming into my energy field. Watching the “Long Island Medium” show made me realize it. In the past year, it’s happened maybe only two times. I was like…hey, this isn’t mine. I had read so much from people about channeling, psychic attacks, and all this stuff that scared the crap out of me. So I’d pray to Mary, Jesus, Buddha, Archangel Michael. . .whoever, so I’d be protected. Then I’d ignore that stuff and just focus on love and light. I would just raise my vibration and focus on feeling good. It has even happened in my dreams, a battle on the astral plane which is really “out there” for some, but I read about it from people who do lucid dreaming stuff. Being a mom in New Jersey, who just wanted to have a nice life, I didn’t want to be weird.
I was always feeling fake somehow, until I started writing and allowing myself to stand in my own truth. As a being on a spiritual journey, I’ll always change my mind, evolve, and grow over time and I’ll share that in my writing. I had to first, start to fine tune my own connection to myself. I stopped being embarrassed that I was so ridiculously sensitive. I don’t watch the news. I don’t watch horror, mystery, or anything intense. Violence on the screen literally hurts me. It feels weird. It generates fear energy. Does this make me weak? Hell no! I have given birth five times, gotten three tattoos, and survived a lot of personal struggles. I am in charge of my own consciousness and get to decide what I put in my world. I am a vibe snob. I like to feel good. I choose to create happiness every day. I live on purpose. I put good vibes out into the world daily.
Besides my sensitivity that I wanted to hide, was my bitchy side. Dr. Wayne Dyer would be on PBS giving a talk about living spiritually and I’d feel like a big, fat, phony. Not size wise, but attitude wise. It actually made me feel small in my greatness. I wanted to be loving, but I would yell at the kids and get angry. I wanted to dissolve the anger part of me and never experience it again. It scared me. I felt like my anger made me a bad person, just as bad as, say a violent criminal. Utterly ridiculous now to think about. These were my thoughts. I was falling for spiritual perfectionism. It was disconnecting me, ego and spirit, versus wholeness. I had to look at that shadow side of me and love it. Embracing all the parts of me, shame was no longer running the game. I can think we are all one, on the highest level of consciousness, when we are one with God. . .but if something is wrong, I’ll call it out if I feel the need to.
Setting boundaries, not standing for my work being stolen on the internet, making integrity super important is my spirituality. I was chastised by spiritual folks when my work was featured on a site that was selling stuff, without an credit to me in any way. Seeing “Unknown” under your words as a writer is awful. If you say I’m in ego for this, that’d be your “ego” that judges. I would never tell a painter to stop signing their name at the bottom, saying what their inspiration comes from a higher power, so therefore it’s free. Yeah, I got that from someone. We get paid for work, jobs, services, products because that’s how it works here. It’s an exchange. It must be balanced.
So I stopped apologizing for being. I am the best ME in the world. I may be not enough. . .or two much. . .for you. That’s not about me anyway. I’m just here to live my truest, fullest, grandest life of love. Wishing all of you the most truthful you and the most delicious life. You’re perfectly you and I’m perfectly me.
P.S. Energy clearing techniques in my next blog, for those who want to hear my tips.