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Oh My Stars

Once upon a time, I used to have a regular podcast in which I would discuss astrology. I had many professional astrologers as guests, and I am pleased to say that many of the world’s finest in this field took time out of their schedules to talk to me and my audience.

Often the first question I asked my guests was “how did you become an astrologer?” No two astrologers answered that question exactly the same way. But it wasn’t too long before a pattern emerged: four basic principles that make an astrologer. I’d like to share those findings with you here, and since astrology does not speak with one voice, I will also be presenting counterpoints from the world’s greatest astrologer (according to him), Weaseldamus.

DO LOTS OF READING

This should almost go without saying. There is a body of work that is literally thousands of years old to be uncovered here, and if you’re even toying with the notion of becoming an astrologer, you know that it is far more complicated than just Sun Sign stuff. And when I say “reading,” yes, that can include watching a qualified YouTube astrologer or two… but there’s still no substitute for cracking a book.

w learn 1

DO LOTS OF RESEARCH

Having the knowledge is one thing, but putting it into action is another. Did you slip and fall in the shower? Note the date and time of the occurrence (and seek medical help if necessary). Then look at the transits you were having when the fall happened. You will learn things from doing that. Do you find a certain celebrity particularly compelling, sexy, or annoying? Look up their birth chart and see how it interacts with yours. This will teach you things about compatibility and attraction that no textbook can.

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BE OBSESSIVE

Becoming a doctor or a plumber or a professional accountant requires a lot of study, but if you want to be halfway good at any of those callings you have to do more than simply take the classes and get good marks. Getting to be good enough at astrology to become an takes a certain amount of obsession. Sometimes “becoming an astrologer” is as simple as “nobody could convince you to be something else instead.”

weaseldamus stalking

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Finally, we come to what I think is perhaps the most important of all the guidelines when it comes to being an astrologer. It is perhaps so obvious that none of my guests felt that it needed to be stated explicitly, but each of them demonstrated this principle in action. Maybe it should be carved in big letters over the entrance to Astrologer University. It should be Rule One when becoming an astrologer. So here it is, carved in big letters for your edification.

*** GET OVER YOURSELF ***

Your birth chart may somehow imply that you are the center of the universe, but you are not. You may very well be the center of your universe, but no planet orbits around just you. There are some people who call themselves “astrologers” (thankfully, only a few) who speak and behave as if they invented astrology, or perfected it, or that it was somehow broken before they showed up. Such people should consider sticking with their day job at The Dairy Barn. Such an astrologer isn’t going to “Make Astrology Great Again,” he or she is just filling a hole inside themselves with the time and money and futures of people who need actual help.

Let’s not forget that Nostradamus himself, who allegedly had the ability to foresee things centuries in advance, was a physician. Even if he was as good and astrologer as his reputation would have us believe, he still couldn’t see into the future clearly enough to be in town when his wife and children died of bubonic plague.

So: even if you do think you are somehow The Reincarnation Of Nostradamus, you ain’t as great as you think you are. Approach yourself and your work with humility, and with an attitude that your clients needs come ahead of yours, and you just might make a good astrologer. An astrologer translates what The Universe is trying to say. That doesn’t make an astrologer The Voice Of The Universe. Doing a reading for someone is like open heart surgery on their soul — don’t contaminate it with your ego.

If you get a few predictions right, you might suddenly think you have amazing God-like properties that no one else has. But: if you successfully translate Shakespearean to Mandarin, that doesn’t make you Shakespeare — it makes you a translator. If being The Voice Of Fate is why you want to be an astrologer, do both yourself and your clients/victims a huge favor: get your ego gratification in another manner, one that is beneficial to all the participants.

It’s called an “escort service.” Go hire one.

w learn 4I rest my case.

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