Oh My Stars

(SCENE: A large church, decorated for a wedding. Most of the guests are seated and await the beginning of the ceremony. In a corner away from the crowd stand GEMINI, VIRGO, and PISCES. GEMINI is in a wedding dress, and the other two are in bridesmaid’s dresses.)

ANNOUNCER: (voice off) Next on The Astrology Channel, it’s REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE MUTABLE SIGNS! This week, the ladies are helping Gemini prepare for her big moment…

VIRGO: You know, Gemini, he’s all wrong for you! You really should think this through better.

GEMINI: Oh Virgo… he’s at least partly right! I mean, sure he’s got his issues, but I’m not getting any younger! Besides, everyone loves an excuse for a party. I could list off several reasons why this is a great idea!

VIRGO: That’s what you said the LAST four times.

PISCES: (Sobbing quietly into her handkerchief) This is so beautiful…

GEMINI: Oh, stop crying Pisces. The ceremony isn’t for another half hour yet.

VIRGO: I swear you haven’t thought this thing through. Are you sure you aren’t doing this to compete with the number of marriages Sagittarius has had? Hey, where did Sagittarius go?

GEMINI: Some idiot opened the bar before the ceremony!

(In the distance we hear a woman’s voice shouting “Yeee-HA!” as if she were competing in a rodeo.)

VIRGO: Sagittarius, get down from there! No pole dancing until the reception!

GEMINI: Seriously, Virgo… he’s a great guy, I love him, and I could do plenty worse. Besides… his family is paying for this beautiful ceremony!

PISCES: (Still crying) Love is soooo beautiful…

GEMINI: Cut that out Pisces. Besides, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. (shrugs) Life’s like that. I can’t believe you’re being so analytical about something like a wedding. It’s just not the time or place.

VIRGO: Speaking of “not the time or place,” where’s…

(There is a loud sound of crashing glass in the distance, and several unseen wedding guests gasp loudly. This is followed by another loud, prolonged “Yeee-HA!”)

VIRGO: That chandelier is rented, Sagittarius! Get down from there!

GEMINI: Besides, if things don’t work out with me and Chet… there’s always Steve. He called last night, did I tell you? He said he’s finally getting divorced!

(In the distance, a woman shouts “giddy up!”)

VIRGO: Sagittarius, stop it! that’s Pisces’ boyfriend! Get off of him!

PISCES: (Sniffling) Oh dammit… now I hate weddings! (Begins to sob uncontrollably)

GEMINI: (To Virgo) Okay, enough of this crap. I’m bored now. Hey, wanna go hang out with Steve for a while…?

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