Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars

Weekly Horoscope, July 28-August 3, 2014 (Plus Space Explosions!)

posted by Matthew Currie

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Sure, you’ll be feeling nice and energetic for a while after Sunday’s New Moon in Leo. With luck and a little planning, you had the time to sit down and tell the Universe at large exactly how you want the next month to turn out for you, and Destiny is shining down on you and everything is awesome!

We now return to your regularly scheduled reality.


Say which will about the energetic, fun-loving qualities of Leo… it’s never been a sign that’s been accused of over-thinking things a lot. This is the why Virgo comes after Leo: after a month-long party, someone has to sit down to balance the books and sterilize the utensils.

With the Sun, Venus, and Jupiter all in early Leo — with Mercury joining them there on Thursday — it’s time to party! And by “party,” I mean “Prepare to do some irrational ranting and raving,” because Mars in early Scorpio is squaring Leo.

So although you may feel like you’re ready to triumph over all your obstacles, have you really thought this through? Are you REALLY sure you’re as large and in charge of this situation as you think?

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Don’t get too cocky about that, Khan. On top of everything else, there’s still that Saturn-Uranus quincunx messing with your program.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Life would be perfect if you could find the right romantic partner to share with, wouldn’t it? Go ahead, don’t be afraid to make the effort it will take to find that special someone.

Or, what the heck, why not several special someones? You seem to be packing enough mojo for that lately.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The urge to build a strong foundation with a loved one is one of the most powerful drives that humans have. This week, you yourself may understand the power that comes from others in your life… the kind of power that can build a Taj Mahal.

That urge to adapt others to your dreams also keeps a lot of cops, psychiatrists and divorce lawyers employed though, so don’t apply too much force, all right?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You have a particularly powerful compulsion this week to “speak your truth” and use your words and intellect to get others to play along with your ideas of how the world should operate on a daily basis.

Now try changing your approach, or it will probably just all come across as nagging.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will probably find yourself busy building a new world and a new life for yourself, one brick at a time. That sort of thing will probably go a lot easier if you were able to write gentle notes to your friends and loved ones, telling them what help they can give you with that.

Don’t wrap those notes around those bricks you’re working with and throw them at people though, okay? No one ever likes that, and it’s not constructive.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s a big fantastic world, and you’re a big fantastic soul, and everything is big and fantastic! You’re ready to go for the gusto and bite a big chunk off of life!

Just don’t bite any of those chunks out of your foundations. Foundations are bad tasting, and that sort of thing can lead to a flooded basement.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) 

Your whole life you wanted that pony and never got it. You’re a grown-up now with a home and a  job, and there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t get that pony after all. There’s plenty of space for him in the living room, you will feed him and brush him and love him every single day.

Now is not the week to buy that pony.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
If you could pool the resources of everyone you know, and connect them in just the right way, you could probably take over the world, or at least make it a better place. You aren’t  normally the dictatorial type, so perhaps winning them over by spending a few dollars on them will do the trick.

Here’s a hint, though: if that’s all it took, the world would’ve been a living paradise long ago. A paradise run by party planners. Watch your wallet.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve got a lot of great opportunities to make your mark work this week. You are sharp and focused and on target, just like the telescopic sight on a sniper’s rifle.

Unfortunately, whacking the boss and/or your coworkers is probably no way to get a better position, so try a little diplomacy instead.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You know, it’s like, all about the worldview thing dude. ‘Cause, on a higher level, stuff is really coming together, you know? And just as soon as you put the bong down, you’re going to get right to work on that.

Or, like, maybe next week, man. Let’s just loaf for now, okay?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) 

Okay, so you’ve put in the hard work and earned everyone’s respect. You’ve leveraged your position and you inventoried and monetized your skill set. And just as soon as everyone else realizes this, you’ll be on top of the world.

But really, what are the odds of that happening this week? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If you want to achieve true Enlightenment, you must detach yourself from results. Most importantly, you must strive to see the Buddha not only within yourself, but in others as well.

Go ahead and keep telling yourself that this week. Those idiots who keep making everything difficult for you? They’re all Buddhas. Lots and lots of annoying, stupid Buddhas.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) 

There is an old joke with hundreds of variations that starts out with someone getting lost and asking for directions, and the punchline is some variation on “well, you can’t get there from here.”

This week, The “there” you can’t get to from here is “a sense of what you’re doing with your life and why you’re doing it.” No reason why you can’t have fun while being lost though, right?

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  • http://bethturnage.com Beth Turnage

    Brilliant, Mr. Currie, as usual. Love this “They’re all Buddhas. Lots and lots of annoying, stupid Buddhas.” Point taken.

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