Oh My Stars

(Full Disclosure: As of this writing, your humble Astrologer is experiencing transiting Mars square his natal Moon and Mars, and the transiting Moon is currently conjunct Saturn. Those of you who like their astrology uplifting and enlightening, please turn away now. But for those of you who like snark, pull up a chair and carry on.)

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SCENE: A large conference room at the airport Ramada Inn. A crowd of about 30 people are seated waiting for a speaker. They all generally appear to be happy except for THE HECKLER, who is sitting in the front row, unshaven, wearing a Megadeth T-shirt. At the front of the conference room there is an empty stage with a lectern. Over the stage hangs a banner that reads “FIRST ANNUAL HAPPY TIME SUNSHINE ASTROLOGY SYMPOSIUM FOR BEGINNERS.” “Love Train” by the O’Jays plays on the PA system, and then the speaker appears: MASTER ASTROLOGER THE REV. BROTHER RUPERT SONGBIRD RAM DASS-MCCLURG.

ASTROLOGER: Well hello, Beautiful Souls! Love and light to you all! Welcome to “Awesome Rainbow Sun Signs For Beginners.” We are going to discuss the primary traits of all twelve Sun Signs today, and look at how very, very wonderful each and every one of them are! Because, let’s remember: each and every one of you is a beautiful and unique snowflake, but you all basically come in just one of twelve varieties.

Let’s start with Aries, the leader of the Zodiac. Aries is known for its boldness and bravery, and when the chips are down, we’re all grateful to have an Aries around willing to lead the charge to get things fixed.

HECKLER: Like Leopold II of Belgium.


HECKLER: Yeah, he wasn’t afraid to fix things when he invaded the Congo. It got about 10 million people killed, but he wasn’t afraid!

ASTROLOGER: (ignoring HECKLER) Now, let’s talk about Taurus. Tauruses are steadfast and true to their ideals, and once they’ve set their sights on a goal they don’t give up.

HECKLER: Absolutely correct! Hitler had his sights set on Poland and it took years to get him out of there!

ASTROLOGER: (still ignoring HECKLER but showing some strain) Geminis are quick witted, with excellent verbal skills and charm. They also make excellent hosts.

HECKLER: Jeffrey Dahmer talked lots of people into visiting his place, and he let them stay in his fridge for free!

ASTROLOGER: (becoming visibly annoyed, but continuing) Then there is Cancer, a Sign that takes its feelings very seriously, and the feelings of others as well. They also enjoy living in comfortable homes.

HECKLER: You mean like Jodi Arias, who killed her boyfriend without ever leaving the comfort of the bathroom?

ASTROLOGER: (finally losing his composure) Is that really necessary?

HECKLER: Yes, because I thought O.J. Simpson was too obvious a choice for Cancer.

ASTROLOGER: You know, you’re really testing my patience.

HECKLER: Yeah, but think of all the great karma you’re racking up!

ASTROLOGER: (nodding in agreement) Good point! Now, let’s talk about Leo. Leos are noble, and have a certain regal bearing. They understand the value of putting on a good show.

HECKLER: Benito Mussolini, he sure loved a parade!

ASTROLOGER: (struggling valiantly to ignore HECKLER) Virgo brings a dedication and precision to its work–

HECKLER: Serial killers Ed Gein and Henry Lee Lucas were pretty precise with a knife, that’s true!

ASTROLOGER: Okay, I’ve had about enough of this. I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make, but you’re really bringing the room down.

HECKLER: Two points. First of all, anyone who tries to be all perfectly love and light and crap about the human experience hasn’t been paying close attention, no matter how much of an optimist you may want to be. A positive stereotype is STILL a stereotype, and anyone who goes around waving their Sun Sign like a flag saying how great it is to be their Sign is seriously missing the point.

Second: let me wrap up your lecture for you.

Libra: Heinrich Himmler
Scorpio: Charles Manson
Sagittarius: Joseph Stalin
Capricorn: Mao Zedong
Aquarius: Nicolae Ceausescu
Pisces: Josef Mengele.

…You’re welcome!

ASTROLOGER: Well, congratulations on bringing the entire room down. What Sign are you, anyway?

HECKLER: THIS one! (Makes a rude gesture)

ASTROLOGER: Oh… Okay. Well, ummmm… since we seem to have a little time left, let’s talk about the importance of the Moon Sign.

HECKLER: (stands up and turns his back to the ASTROLOGER, bends over and drops his pants) I got you covered for that too, pal!

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