Oh My Stars

Oh My Stars


The Weekly Horoscope That Solves ALL Your Problems! June 30-July 6, 2014

posted by Matthew Currie

Good news, everyone!

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It seems your problems aren’t as bad as you thought. Actually your problems don’t even exist… and neither do you!

 ***

No, I’m not going all Buddhist or Philosophy Major on LSD here. Long story short: physicists have long predicted the existence of a particle called “the Higgs boson,” which is the particle that gives other particles mass, and thus goes a long way towards explaining how the force of gravity works. In the last week, they were finally able to confirm the existence of the Higgs boson.

One problem, though: at the risk of oversimplifying things… according to other observations, momentarily after the Big Bang, the nature of the Higgs boson would have been such that the Big Bang would have immediately collapsed into a Big Crunch.  Thus the universe never happened.

Hooray! You and your problems don’t exist! Thank you science! And here I was, all worried that I was going to have to break it to you that Mars is opposite Uranus this week, and that there would be a lot of awkward tensions in the air, and that Mercury ends its retrograde on Tuesday, but would still be in the “shadow period.” Whew, what a relief!

***

UPDATE: Science has determined that you and your problems do, in fact, exist.

Oops. That’s awkward. Oh well, here’s your forecast.

***

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your relationships with others in your environment may not be as annoying this week as they were last week, but they will still be plenty annoying enough. You will be a little more realistic about what you can do about that as well, and you’ll be doing a better job of finding the words to explain your needs.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yes, work sucks and everyone knows it, because if it didn’t, why would they pay you to do it? I can’t necessarily promise you any improvements in the work situation this week, but your finances are likely to improve a little. That’s a start, isn’t it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Get ready for things to improve for you financially. Note I said “get ready,” not that you’re winning the lottery or anything, at least not this week. But hey… you look good, and other people seem to be noticing that more.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You should be the star of your own show. Now: if only you could get past your fears of everyone looking at you because you’re a star. This week will dredge up some deep psychological issues, but remain steadfastly yourself, and that’s all it will take to get through them.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Early in the week may feel like more than the usual grind for you, but things improve as the week goes on. It may not be your time to shine just yet, but that’s coming. Don’t blow up at anyone unless they deserve it AND it will get results.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Is there some way you can just spend yourself out of your current situation? That may require a raise. It’s a good thing that in the next week the opportunities for that and general recognition at work will be there for you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yeah, you know, I’m not quite sure what to make of your charmingly messy life either. At least this week you should be experiencing some breakthroughs as to how to make more sense of it than you can now.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You know the old saying “make hay while the sun shines”? Yes, I know you’re not a farmer, but that’s the situation with your work life in the next week. Do something impressive, and make sure the boss is watching.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The Beatles pointed out that “you can’t buy me love,” but you should have enough charm this week that someone will let you rent theirs at least. Wait, that came out wrong. Yeah, you better put some extra thought into how you express yourself to others this week.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Mercury and Venus are in your Eighth House, which traditionally rules “sex” and “other people’s money.” You will have both a strong urge and a decent ability to put your hands all over… other people’s money this week. Yeah, that’s it. Hey, Beliefnet is a clean, family site, okay?

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
No matter what issues you face this week, you’ve got two things going for you to help you through them: your usual dedication to your ideals, and an extra touch of charm. Put those two together, and you can get away with a lot.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It can be hard to get through life sometimes, when there are so many mean and self absorbed people out there do the wrong things. Yes, normally I wouldn’t have to remind a Pisces of that… but this week I do.

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  • Chad

    hey just wanted to say thanks for these articles, i check for them regularly. keep up the good work and the good sense of humor!

  • kelley

    So, I read this as “Don’t blow anyone up unless they deserve it AND it will get results.” LOL!

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