Thanksgiving is traditionally a time when incompatible and argumentative gatherings of potentially hostile strangers… better known as “families”… gather to eat an enormous meal and demonstrate their gratitude for the things they have. The Zodiac is a bit like that too… one big family that often disagrees, and yet has the ability to get together for a common cause.

 

Now, before I say grace, I’d like to say a few words about some things we should be thankful for.

 

ARIES:
We’re really thankful you could make it, even though you were kind of in a hurry to get here and knocked over the lamp on your way in.Your coaching and encouragement with things like “hurry up, I’m starving” and “is this thing going to get started on time?” were a tremendous help.

 

TAURUS:

Thanks for bringing the pie and the whipped cream. Also, thanks for not eating all of it before you got here. That was pretty clever of you, getting two of each item so that there’d be some left over.

 

GEMINI:

Thank you for keeping the conversation lively and the drinks poured while we were all waiting for the meal to start. Also, your anecdote about the differences between “dinner” and “supper” was pretty amusing… if a bit rambling and pointless.

 

CANCER:

Thank you for making sure everyone felt comfortable with each other, despite all being crowded together into the same room for several hours. Your kindness and empathy probably prevented an outbreak of violence.

 

LEO:

Thank you for providing entertainment. Hey, thank you for being entertainment. Your jolly presence is always welcome at any gathering. Now please take that lampshade off of your head: it’s almost time to eat.

 

VIRGO:

Thank you for bringing the electronic meat thermometer. And thank you for the detailed description of the symptoms of food poisoning, in the event the turkey wasn’t cooked to an internal temperature of 165 degrees. And thanks for the hand sanitizer too.

 

LIBRA:

Thanks for decorating. That centerpiece is certainly festive, and it must have taken a lot of effort to pick out accessories that match it, but you’re the perfectly co-ordinated package. Now please quit critiquing the pattern on the silverware.

 

SCORPIO:

No Thanksgiving would be complete without carving the turkey, and it was very thoughtful of you to bring your collection of cutting implements to do the job. And a special thank you for not threatening to use them on anyone, unlike like last year.

 

SAGITTARIUS:

Thank you for your long philosophical digression about the historical roots of Thanksgiving, although frankly I think we could have done without your long digression about massacring the Wampanoag Indians.

 

CAPRICORN:

Thanks for making sure the entire meal arrived on time and under budget, and yes, we got the tab for the ingredients and your very reasonable service charge. We’ll be taking up a collection after the meal.

 

AQUARIUS:

Thank you for doing that… thing… what is that thing again you did with the tinfoil? Frankly it didn’t make the least bit of sense to any of us, but it does seem to be keeping the turkey warm. You should probably patent that.

 

PISCES:

Thank you for your stirring digression about the pain and suffering turkeys go through with modern agricultural techniques, even though this one was free-range and organic. We’ll all try the tofu you brought. Now stop crying into the gravy, it’s already salty enough.

 

And finally…

 

OPHIUCHUS:

Thanks for not really being a “Sign” at all… astrology is complicated enough as it is without you. Sorry you’re sitting over at the Kiddie Table all by yourself, but frankly your should be glad you were invited at all. Pipe down and pass the mashed potatoes.