I mentioned it a few weeks ago, but I’ll say it again, Caidin is going through a challenging growth period. This isn’t a physical one; it’s one that has elements of spiritual awareness, emotional growth, mental awareness and add to now his need to find some way to understand the killings in Connecticut.
The unique aspect of his current growth is that he is very open about it, sharing with me what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling and honestly, as confusing as it is to him, it’s been a little confusing to me.
It’s had me on the internet searching for ‘normal’; it’s generated many conversations between my husband and I and it has me thinking back to my own life at this age.
Here’s something I’ve come to realize – a part of our development entails trying things out to see what they feel like or how they fit; that could be language, thoughts, or behaviors.
I can remember, as unhealthy as it may seem, trying to break my own foot, but my underlying value of myself would never let me do it. I can remember playing with my Barbie dolls and making some of them ‘good’ dolls and some of them ‘bad’ and acting out some pretty adult scenarios for an 8 or 9 year old.
The difference is, I did it in silent. I grappled with it in my own mind and I knowingly hid it from my parents. Caidin comes and tells me and where I’m sure he doesn’t tell me everything, he tells me quite a bit.
He has many thoughts coming into his head and he’s struggling with them because they are mean or angry or hurtful, or to him,
inappropriate. So he has the thoughts and then he comes and remorsefully confesses that he’s had these thoughts. I can see the confu
sion he’s experiencing with this and he’s also looking for some sort of reaction from me.
The word ‘sex’ seems to be a real trigger for him right now. In my internet searching I found several parents seeking advice on almost the exact same scenario. The interesting thing was all the responses were fearful and reproachful,
saying things like that’s not ‘normal’, there is something ‘wrong.’
I think what is wrong is a gap in our understanding of a child’s emotional and mental development. I think to some degree we can wrap our heads around their physical development, but there is very little easy-to-access information available as to their emotional and mental development. Sure, a child psychologist or an educator might have it, but the everyday parent doesn’t. I don’t think we even have it from our own experience because our thoughts are the things we never talked about.
When it comes to our thoughts, we all think things that we have no intention of acting on; that’s why I don’t think ‘mind reading’ is a good habit to be in. Someone may think ‘I hate you.’ That thought though can be fleeting and it might be fueled by a moment of frustration or anger or resentment. The mind assesses the thought, processes it and oftentimes discards it. Thoughts are not actions. This is what I’m trying to get Caidin to understand.
This morning I said to him, ‘you know, maybe you are having the thoughts you are having because you are trying to decide what kind of person you are and who you want to be.’ I explained to him that we all have thoughts that are negative or mean, but it’s what we do with them that really matters. Do we choose to act on them and if we don’t, we’ve grown in our strength. If we do act on them, well, there are lessons to learn from that too like the consequences of speaking hurtful words or putting thought into action.
I feel fortunate that right now Caidin is comfortable talking to me, even if it might take a week or so before he brings something to me. However, after several weeks of feeling panicked that I wasn’t offering the right answer or that I was missing something; I’ve come to realize that I can bear witness to these moments, I can offer insight, support and suggestions, but much of this is part of growing up and that is something only he can do for himself.
© 2012 Christine Agro
Christine Agro is a mom, a clairvoyant and a metaphysical expert. She works with women in all stages and phases of life providing insight and guidance and helping to unravel complicated and confusing life moments. Christine is the founder of The Conscious Mom’s Guide, a free membership site for like-minded parents seeking to parent with spiritual and conscious awareness.