Beliefnet
Letting Go with Guy Finley

Question: Regarding harmonious extended family relationships: How do you go about mending a problem (or do you?) between a sister and a wife that was caused by the mother, who naturally is now getting along with both?

Answer: Much in the same way we understand there is nothing we can say to a tornado to make it stop spinning, the same holds true for when and what we should say to people caught in negative states. Usually, if left alone, the storm they are in just fades away because it runs out of mechanical energy. At any rate, accentuate the positive, stay out of the negative.

It is impossible to lash out at another person without having first hurt yourself.

We will never be in command of ourselves until we feel the blow that we would give. Once we begin to feel the blow we would give, once we begin to taste what we would give to another human being, then we no longer want to do that. That is the beginning of command – not because we’re changing the person, but because we’ve started to see that there is a certain part of ourselves that surfaces in these moments, and the only thing it knows to do is to follow its own thinking.

The only thing that troubles you about other people is what you secretly want from them.

How many of you lose command when you’re with other people? Have you ever walked down the street, and somebody that you’ve never even seen before bugs you? It could be something as simple as someone dressed elegantly, or it could be somebody sitting there with a sign that says “homeless.” The smallest thing – anybody’s behavior or countenance – can set off conflict inside of us.

What kind of command do I have if after I see somebody like that, I spend the next hours fighting in my head about what they look like? It sounds silly, but we do it. Who is in command of me in that moment where I see something about someone?

We are each a unique configuration of various forces, energies, states, and conditions, and every one of us is a kind of broadcasting station as well as a receiving station. When you are around any human being, they are broadcasting their essence, their character. Their vibration is literally being sent out, and you (being a receiver as well as a broadcaster) receive these kinds of vibrations. Many times there are natural points where things don’t meet right and someone bothers you.

Wishing that someone wasn’t the way that he or she is, is the same as wanting something from them, isn’t it? Wishing that you weren’t the way that you are is wanting something from you. So the only thing that troubles me about you is what I want from you. Can you see the beauty and the potential of command in that?

Everybody bothers us, and so we think that command is when we finally build ourselves a fortress of solitude on a tropical island someplace. If I can remember, in the moment that I need to, that command in the moment has nothing to do with changing you or removing myself from your presence, but rather with seeing where it is that something inside of me is producing this reaction, then I don’t have to remember what it wants me to remember. It wants me to blame you. It wants me to stay away. It wants me to run. It wants me to try to overpower you. That is not what I’m going to remember. I’m going to remember that this reaction is just part of the way life is and I don’t have to give it any more thought than that.

Guy Finley explains that you are only troubled by other people when you want something from them, which we are often unconscious to. When you choose, through presence, to use relationships for the purpose of self-revelation, you will find yourself in silent command of even the most difficult situations.

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