Beliefnet
Letting Go with Guy Finley

Guy Finley explains what real love is and what it isn’t, and notes that it is impossible for you to genuinely love another person if you cannot first be completely content and comfortable with being alone.

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The person who enables another human being believes the only choice they have is to somehow keep that person in line, save that person from themselves — not for the good of the other human being but because the enabler, without knowing it, believes that without the other person in their life, they won’t be anyone. They won’t have a chance. Nothing good will happen to them. So from the false belief comes the false responsibility of holding intact something that should never be kept intact.

We don’t suspect that we are packed full of these beliefs about ourselves and about life. We don’t suspect that the root of whatever it is that causes us to feel sad, unhappy, to enable the weakness of others, are false beliefs that produce a false sense of self through false responsibilities.

Learn what it means to be in possession of your self. When you’re in true possession of yourself, you won’t take part in helping another human being to hurt himself or herself so that you can feel as though you’re real. When you are in possession of yourself, you are living from a real life, from the real light inside of you that is pouring itself into you moment to moment.

A lot of what goes wrong on this planet is born of people who feel the weight of false responsibilities.

Enabling another human being is a form of a false responsibility. Anyone who lives with someone who abuses them enables the abusive behavior. If you live with someone who is cruel or physically aggressive, or who finds some kind of pleasure in keeping their thumb on top of you, and you stay with that human being — without making the effort to change it or finally depart it — you’re enabling in that person a certain belief that he or she has about themselves that turns them into the kind of person who punishes others. If someone has an addiction, and you spend time coddling that person, you are enabling them because of your own false belief.

All false responsibilities have their root in a false belief. What is the false belief of someone who enables another person? Simply put, another person’s complete well-being depends entirely upon you sticking it out with them so that they can make it out and be okay. The people who are in abusive relationships remain there because they believe one day the abuser won’t be like that if they just stay in the relationship long enough. Somehow they’re responsible to see that the abuser or the addict makes it out.

The real root of that false belief is “I must have him/her around me the way I want them around me or I’m going to be unhappy. I’ll lose something. Something will be taken from me.” The false belief that enabler has about themselves in relationship with the abuser produces the idea that “I am responsible for this person.” Can you see that the result is the absolute opposite?

What you call being responsible for someone when you’re enabling is not being responsible for them at all. You are actually wrecking them. We always wreck anything that we have assumed false responsibility over… always!

Become a student of your own life. Learn what it means to catch the weight of false responsibility and bring the light of understanding to it. The weight will fall off you, and little by little you will know the freedom you were created to have.

We never enable someone else without having first disabled our own Higher Nature that knows better than to bargain for friendship, love — or to just feel “needed” in some way…