DoorMats/people pleasers often have a lot of reasons to be that way, most based on circumstances they bring on themselves. Pleasing everyone is a choice, not an obligation. But it’s common to get angry about the repercussions from it , and you feel helpless to do something about it, because:
• YOU feel like people are taking you for granted. You may not get a “thank you” when you help out or you know the person has no appreciation for you.
• You feel used. The person doesn’t quite ask anymore. They assume you’ll be there for them and kind of just say what they need from you, like you’re they’re go-fer.
• You get no help when you need it, even if you ask. The ones you give the most to are often MIA when you need something.
• You aren’t able to have a choice about where you eat or what movie to see because the other person expects to have it their way and tells you where you’re going.
• You don’t like the way you’re spoken to. It feels like you don’t get respect from those you’re good to. You may get criticized, put down and talked down to by so-called friends.
Yet most DoorMats keep quiet about those kinds of things. They allow themselves to be stepped on, no matter how much it hurts. But the worst part of it is all the suppressed anger hurts YOU. When I was a DoorMat, people saw me with a smile on my face while I seethed inside. I walked around feeling anger about how hurt, disappointed and frustrated I felt. Yet I was too scared to do anything about it. I was afraid of losing the people who didn’t treat me well! That what us DoorMats do!
The people pleasing kind of anger can be the most destructive because it’s often accompanied by anger at yourself for letting people get away with treating you badly.
• Why didn’t I speak up?
• Why did I let him get away with it?
• Why can’t I stop being there for people who ignore what I need?
• Why am I so pathetic?
These thoughts keep self-love low. Sometimes anger gets held in for so long that it reaches a peak and you may explode at whoever pushes the final button, even if they don’t deserve it. I’ve done that. After stewing over some recent hurts, I’ve yelled at someone who did something that was a minor annoyance. Once after a friend gave me a legitimate reason for why she could help with a projects I was working on. I blew up at her, saying I never get help and am so good to everyone. I felt ashamed after since this person did help me when she could. I wasn’t talking to her. I was yelling at all the people in my world who treated me poorly. How unfair to my friend!
When I left DoorMatville, I knew that my ager was hurting me—upsetting my tummy, making me complain all the time to everyone but the one who made me angry, keeping me in a perpetual bad mood and feeling down on myself for allowing it all to happen. I knew I had to get rid of the anger and stop it from being created for my well-being. I recognized what I had to do that you can do too:
• * First, forgive yourself. You didn’t mean to hurt yourself and it’s in the past. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself for bring human.
• Get comfortable with turning people down for favors by doing it. You can make excuses at first to get people out of the habit of always asking you for things.
• Create rules for yourself and use them when there’s something you don’t want to do. “I have a rule that I don’t loan money to anyone so I can’t help you.”
• Accept that you deserve to be first in your world. Start doing more kind things for you.
• Set boundaries. Only agree to what you’re comfortable with and to help those who are kind to you. If it’s someone wants something that you can do it easily, do it. Or compromise. If someone needs a lift say where you’re going and where you can drop them off.
• Slowly start to speak up for what you want. “We always go where you want and I have preference too and am entitled to have a say.”
It’s very important to address some of your unresolved anger. If someone often speaks to you disrespectfully, nicely explain that you don’t like it and it must stop. If someone who never helps you pushes for a favor, nicely let them know you’re no longer on a one-way street and can’t give more time to someone who never has any for you. Slowly let people know how you feel, without blaming or getting angry. Gently share how you feel and that you will no longer condone it. You may lose a few friends along the way but that will give you less reasons to be anger. Standing up for yourself is a good way to say, “I love me!”!
Join The Self-Love Movement™! Take the 31 Days of Self-Love Commitment—“I commit to do my best to do something loving for myself, however big or small, for the next 31 days.” and get my book, How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways for free at http://howdoiloveme.com. Read my 2014 31 Days of Self-Love Posts HERE. Join the Self-Love Movement™! on Facebook. Watch the video made with Hoobastank’s son–The reason–that illustrates the power of self-love.