Beliefnet
How Great Thou Part

A few months ago I returned.

The person once known as Colleen Sheehy peeked through after what seemed like an eternal hiatus.

I think I now understand the artist formerly known as Prince or Puff Daddy turned P.Diddy and so on.

pexels-photo-714703

These men simply put titles on their life transitions or should I say personal growth. 

They labeled one turn in their life taking them towards another.

I could feel it coming…My restoration and resolution and then one day a beautiful young girl turned to me and said, “I am going to call you Sunshine.”

“You are,” I inquired. “Why?”

“Because you are always smiling,” she responded.

“Hey,” I said. “People used to say that about me.”

I had forgotten.

How is that even possible? I remember when my marital problems started people used to say it was difficult to witness because I hadn’t been joyful I had been overly joyful so the change was dramatic. But I had forgotten how people used to mention my smile.

I walked away feeling giddy. I’m back. I’m not thoroughly enmeshed with another human being or controlled anymore.

So exactly how did this finally happen?

Certainly, I had prayed and begged God to restore me to my original self but I had done that throughout this long overdue divorce. 

Why now? What was different? Or more importantly what had I done differently?

I still have all the same financial issues and worries. I still agonize over my children’s pain. I still have the same level of stress. I still live with the same future unknowns.

Yet I am smiling not just here and there but everywhere.

The truth is I had gotten to a point where I was living in fear of another human being.

What were they going to do next? What would be the next tactic used to intimidate? I realized I was operating from a point of fear but I didn’t know how to extricate myself from it.

I had asked and begged for help. Sadly, it wasn’t coming. I have written often the ones closest to me could have no impact and the ones closest to him refused to get involved. Yet, I had not given up that somehow someone would help me shut down this situation.

I like to say ‘no one in a relationship should have the power but no one should be powerless either.’ I left my marriage for that reason. I believed divorce would free me not suspend me in the exact same position.

Fortunately, I knew the moment which initiated my restoration and resolution of the woman formerly known as Colleen. 

It was a refusal to do something in the best interest of one of my children.

This had happened before only this time I can only assume my fatigue of reliving it with another one of my children took me to a boiling point. 

And I got angry.

Not the kind of emotional anger I had in the past. This was not directed at him. It was directed at me. I got so mad I had been so foolish for so long. Investing in someone who did not merit that devotion. And I started taking my own power back.

I began to focus on harnessing this new found energy because it was blocking fear.

And miraculously, without fear control vanished. 

He could no longer control me if I did not care enough to worry enough to fear his next move.

And there could be no control if my anger was no longer directed at him. I have had enough counseling to long ago let go of any long-term true anger at him and take responsibility for choosing to stay in a bad situation for so long. However, the inability to ensure my children would be out of harm’s way during this brutal experience did bring out the mamma bear in me.

And yes, that did make me angry at him.

The bottom line?

Yes, intimidators and bullies should be shut down and held accountable. Unfortunately, it’s often not the case.

We must rescue ourselves.

 

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