I have known numerous individuals who just wanted a divorce and to move on.

The problem?

Their spouse was not ready to. Even more interesting? Some of these spouses had cheated, yet still could not let go of the marriage which they had sabotaged.

The common denominator?

The individual ready to move forward invested heavily in themselves and their heartache via counseling. Their spouse had not.

Adults who have not done the hard work of healing can’t put their children first. 

They are too busy using emotion, finances and other tools to level the playing field – or should I say in their mind level the playing field.

I have said many times, good counselors teach a person to be accountable for the choices they made which led them to their destination. Additionally, they teach them to learn things about their own personality. This diffuses the anger at their Significant Other. You can only be so mad at someone when you stayed and stayed. This places the responsibility back on you. Regardless of the SO’s behavior. Even if they cheated. If you stayed or tried to repair the relationship it was your decision.

Once your spouse showed you who they were it was time to move on. That is if they had no desire to show true remorse and repair the damage and irrefutable heartache they had caused.

This doesn’t take away from the pain caused. Instead, it empowers and squashes any feelings of victimization.

I think this may have been one of the greatest gifts I received from marriage counseling.

My pain was so immense that bitterness had woven itself tightly within me.

And a counselor looking at me and saying, “You made all these choices over the years to ignore certain behaviors and you stayed,” well, it restored me. It empowered me.

You might say, “Well, then why does she still speak of her husband and divorce?”

Because I can’t free myself.

Because he never chose to do the hard work of counseling.

(And as a caveat – staying home for so many years simply made me vulnerable – if not, I could have left quickly with enough to support my children and I and without the worry of retirement money).

I remember my husband refusing to go back to marriage counseling. I chose to continue alone. Why? I have children. If I couldn’t save my marriage with two people I would try alone or at least learn enough about myself to determine how to put my children first.

When you become a parent, you no longer have the luxury of being a child. 

And instead of thinking it’s normal to keep going back to court, hiding money, seeking revenge or hurting innocent children…

Someone should turn to these spouses and say –

Have you been in counseling and done the hard work of healing?

Because you are a parent and you no longer have the luxury of being a child.

You got your turn already.

It’s their time to be princesses…fairies…and superheroes.

(Photo courtesy of Pexels)

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