For me, what makes these seemingly petty commuter annoyances address the greater issue of ethics is simple. What goes around comes around, and when you don’t spend any time at least attempting to adhere to a simple code of decent human behavior when you’re packed in tightly among your fellow man, you’re really little better than a savage.
So please, read Dena’s thoughts on proper subway etiquette, and for all our sakes, heed them well.
The Big-Backpack-Wearer: This offender, often a tourist, a young student, or an oblivious yuppie, sports a gigantic knapsack, usually positioning himself or herself in the middle of a subway car (or worse, the door–see The Door-Blocker), getting in the way of all who traverse the crowded train.
Proper Subway Etiquette: Remove the knapsack from your back and hold it at your side. I don’t care if your arm hurts. Put it on the floor next to you if you must (gag!) but don’t be inconsiderate by blocking people from moving around. I’m not an expert on fire hazards, but I’m thinking big back packs are one of them.
The Disease-Spreader: Usually coughing, sneezing, sniffling, and making all kinds of mucus-y sounds that are enough to make you want to move (but you won’t, because you got a seat and it’s rush hour) and/or vomit. May look feverish and tired. Forgets to cover nose and mouth about half the time.
Proper Subway Etiquette: OK, here’s the deal: Even if you don’t really have the Swine Flu, I’m going to treat you as if you do. That means I’m going to give you glares and other dirty looks for daring to potentially infect me with your nasty germs. I might even mumble “disgusting” quietly under my breath in your direction. Not that all people who have the Swine Flu are gross–the ones who stay home are cool. But if you put hundreds of people in a position where you might infect them, you’re just plain selfish. To echo Mayor Bloomberg and the NYC Department of Health–you have a responsibility to stay home. Your employer, co-workers, and fellow subway riders, will thank you for it.
The Door-Blocker: Despite signs all over the subway cars advising against it for safety reasons, these riders prefer standing against the door and refuse to move out of the way for people entering and leaving the subway. These inconsiderate losers are the bane of my existence.
Proper Subway Etiquette: Move out of the way! If for whatever reason you find myself stuck at the door with a number of people looking to get off (and onto) the train at a given stop, get off the train along with those exiting, making sure to stay close to the door. This ensures that everyone exits the train in a semi-orderly fashion, without having to step around you. Plus, you’ll be one of the first ones to enter the train. You deserve it for being so courteous!
The Music-Sharer: I’ve really got to thank you Mr. DJ, for playing your crap music (is it your band?) so loud on your iPod that I, and the entire subway car, are forced to listen to your tunes (if we’re luckily, we get to hear it on repeat! Yay!) Here’s a little secret, even if I like the music you’re playing–maybe I’m even mouthing along the words–I’m still cursing you under my breath for being a jerk.
Proper Subway Etiquette: If you’re unsure whether your iPod is likely audible to your neighbors, take off your headphones (with the volume on your desired setting) and hold them in front of you. If you can still clearly hear the music, it’s surely disrupting your neighbors when it’s on your ears. If so, turn it down!
The Can’t-Wait-Until-You-Get-Off-the-Train-to-Have-a-Private-Cellphone-Conversation-Exhibitionist: While most subway lines run completely underground where cell phone service is not available, a handful of lines run partially above ground. I am luckily enough to be on one of them (oh joy!) which means I often wind up seated (and by “seated” I really mean “standing”) next to this offender. Usually female, she’s often gossiping about some guy (“He’s such &*%#$ but I still loves him, yo.”) or one of her friends (“I can’t believe that stupid &*^&%$. I’m sooo not texting her back.”) or yelling at a relative (“I’m on the ^&%$#&* train, mom! I’ll be home in 10 minutes! GAWD!”).
Proper Subway Etiquette: Guess what girly? I don’t care about your life, so please have some respect for yourself (and while you’re at it, your mama), and stop filling me in on your drama. I have enough of my own! Keep your cell phone conversations on the train short and quiet, if you have to make them at all. You’ll be doing yourself, and everyone else, a service.
The Seat-Stealer (sometimes, but not always, related to the Won’t-Give-Up-Seat-for-Pregnant-Women-and-the-Elderly- Schmuck): So much can be said about this, the most vile of offenders, most of which I cannot print on a family website. He or she will do anything to grab that seat you’re inches from, including, but not limited to, pushing you out of the way, tripping you, using defensive football moves that I don’t know the names of, etc.
Proper Subway Etiquette: In my book, the riders who are closest to the empty seat (and who also notice, and make their way to said seat) gets dibs. Of course, if there are children, pregnant women, the disabled, or the elderly standing nearby, they do. It’s unfortunate that these individuals are standing in the first place and that someone seated did not already offer their spot to them. So be the better person, and give away your newly landed seat to someone else around you who may need it more. Karma will reward you later.
The Lets-Kids-Poop-on-the-Platform Mom: A very rare breed indeed, I had my first encounter with this has-no-shame parent just this morning! In this case, the woman was with a toddler, who had to go Number 2. She proceeds to spread newspaper on the floor and allows her child to defecate on it, puppy-style, for all to see. She then has her child stand around with pants to the floor, dirty butt hanging out, while she searches for a napkin to clean her off. Sadly, my train left the station before I got a screening of that process.
Proper Subway Etiquette: Although the subway bathrooms are gross, if the alternative is crapping, or urinating, in one’s pants or on the subway platform, I suggest taking your chances with them. Or better yet, take yourself (or your child, drunk friend, etc.) to a nearby business outside of the station.
The Look-At-Me-Dude: Male offender spreads legs so far apart that he takes up most of your leg room. Does it really need that much room? I’m thinking no.
The Subway-Stinker: Passes gas on the train since he/she can blame it on others.
The Fire-Starter: Leaves litter all over the train platform, which then gets onto the tracks, which then causes mini-blazes, which then makes me late for work, which then ruins my whole day.
So please, before you get on another train, be sure you take some of these etiquette tips to heart. You’ll make your–and more importantly, my–subway experience a whole lot nicer.
Dena Ross is the Entertainment Editor at Beliefnet and manages and contributes to the blog Idol Chatter. You can follow her on twitter at http://www.twitter.com/bnetentertain