As you probably know my dad died last Tuesday. It amazes me how fast a week can pass. Last week this time I was sitting by my dad’s side reading him stories knowing he was about to release his tired old body.
First, I want to thank all my readers for their kind notes, love, thoughts and prayers. I thought his passing wouldn’t impact me as much as it has because I had been through the grief process with my mom and I knew the only thing that was really dying was his body. I was wrong, so I simply allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and I’m allowing time to work its magic. I still feel rather fragile but I know this will pass.
When my mom died I felt lost and downright miserable. A very dear friend of mine told me that once the grief had past I would once again feel my mother’s presence. She said grief was like a waterfall and our loved ones can’t reach through it. One night I had a dream, my mom came to me in the dream and told me she was fine, that she loved me and I felt her loving presence. In the morning I missed her even more and then I remembered what my friend had told me. As I opened my heart and my mind to the possibilities, I could feel my mother’s presence. Today I cherish the relationship we have. I can often feel her loving touch and know she is with me.
Since it was Father’s Day I decided to have a memorial service for my dad at the ocean’s edge. When I showed up I had to laugh. At the very edge of the cliff stood a small, black goat who ran bleating all the way directly to me. She was so cute and had a bell on her neck with a phone number on the tag. My first thought was, “How perfect, dad always was a stubborn old goat.” Since this was a young goat I laughed and thought, “At least I know he is moving on up!” I knew angels had sent this goat to me as a reminder of the love that is always present. I wanted to take a picture of the goat but by the end of the ceremony she was nowhere to be found.
A friend sent me a message with the following quote from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. She said she thought my dad would like it read at the service and I am sure she was right. It was one of the books my parents read to me when I was a little girl. I was too choked up to read it but a friend of mine did and it was perfect.
“All men have the stars but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them-
“In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night… You-only you-will have stars that can laugh!
“And when your sorrow is comforted (time soothes all sorrows) you will be content that you have known me. You will always be my friend. You will want to laugh with me. And you will sometimes open your window, so, for that pleasure… And your friends will be properly astonished to see you laughing as you look up at the sky! Then you will say to them, ‘Yes, the stars always make me laugh!'”
Slowly but surely I know my grief will turn into joy. And as my grief lifts I will feel the loving presence of my father’s spirit. I look forward to seeing him in my dreams and hearing his laughter in the stars.
With love and aloha,
Remember, you really do have angels on your shoulders!
In loving memory of my dad.