Tracy McMillan on Why You're Not Married... Yet

Can’t seem to find Mr. Right? Writer Tracy McMillan’s new book says, it’s not him, it’s you.

If your love life is perpetually in the dumps, then Tracy McMillan has a word of advice: it’s not him, it’s you. The author of the wildly popular Huffington Post article has written a book by the same title, Why You’re Not Married… Yet . Beliefnet interviewed Tracy on what women are doing wrong to sabotage their relationships.

You’re very open about your own romantic misadventures and the things you’ve done wrong in previous relationships. Is that part of what inspired this book? Why did you choose to be so honest?

This book definitely draws on my own experiences in relationships, as well as those of hundreds of women I've talked to over the years.  I look at these ten chapters as spiritual challenges that face every woman –  no matter what stage of relationship she's in.  Single, married, dating... everyone can relate to the stuff in this book.

A major premise of the book is that being honest is the first step toward changing anything in your life.   I also want to be honest because I feel there's nothing to be ashamed of; mistakes are part of life, even repeated mistakes!  I feel that as long as you're honest, you have the opportunity to grow.  It's when you shut down, go into denial, and try to start hiding things from yourself and others, that's when you lock in certain behaviors and attitudes that keep you stuck.   The truth, as they say, will set you free.  And it does.

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Tracy McMillanLooking over the people you know and interviewed for this book, what do you think is the most common category that women fall under at some point that sabotages their dating lives?

The most common thing women –  people, really –  do to sabotage their love lives is to lie to themselves.  Lying can take lots of forms, too.  There's denial where you just pretend that what you're seeing and feeling isn't happening.  There's delusion  where you, say for example, tell yourself a guy is just about to fall in love with you, when in actuality he told you he only wanted to be friends with benefits from the very beginning.  There's rationalizing where you make excuses for your own or others' behaviors.  And then there's knowing a relationship can't or won't work and staying in it anyway.  All of those things will keep you from being ready and/or able to partner someone.

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