How to Break Up with a Friend

8 Steps to Closure When a Friendship Ends

Friendships are like marriages. Some evolve into mutually supportive and life-giving bonds while others grow more and more unhealthy, or even toxic. When a friendship ends—abruptly or subtly; via e-mail, phone conversation, or personal confrontation; with words or silence—I believe it needs to be mourned and processed in the same way as a divorce or painful breakup.

Because, even if a split was inevitable or right, it still hurts, just as much or sometimes even more than breaking up with a beau. Here, then, are eight ways to make sure you get closure and peace, especially if there was no good-bye.

Click for the first step to closure when a friendship ends.

Therese J. Borchard writes the Beyond Blue blog on Beliefnet.

Plan a Ritual

I know this sounds voodoo-ish. But seriously, it's not like you have a funeral to go to, or a divorce certificate to collect, or any way of moving through a friendship breakup in a symbolic way that can help you process your emotions. So you're going have to create one ... a ceremony of sorts.

After it was clear to me that an old boyfriend in college was simply not into me, I took the beautiful poem that he wrote me to a cemetery on the campus of Saint Mary's College. I knelt there, ripped up the poem, and threw the pieces of paper into the air, crying (really hard). The most amazing thing happened. It started snowing. Right at that very second. It was like the heavens heard my cry, and the angels were tearing up sheets of paper right along with me. You don't need the snow to feel better, though. Just the ripping should do the job.

Make a Plan

You might think about what you would do if the friend comes begging back. Because it happens. Or you run into her at the bank or the grocery, and your mouth opens but no noise comes out. Best to have a script, to think it through: if this person wants into my life again, should I let her?

That's a hard one. Check out my video on how I answer that question. In it, I ask myself this: Does the relationship empower me, or deflate me? Does this person build me up or tear me down? And can I be sincere--truly sincere--when I'm with her? This goes for new friends too. Start a new friend policy now. What are the requirements from now on for a person to be your friend? You deserve some, you know.

Stay with the Pain

You knew I was going here, because I always do. Back to Henri Nouwen’s words, about staying with the loneliness, really feeling it, not rushing into activity to skip over it … going through it, not around it. He writes:

"It is not easy to stay with your loneliness. …. But when you can acknowledge your loneliness in a safe, contained place, you make your pain available for God’s healing. God does not want your loneliness; God wants to touch you in a way that permanently fulfills your deepest need. It is important that you dare to stay with your pain and allow it to be there. You have to own your loneliness and trust that it will not always be there. The pain you suffer now is meant to put you in touch with the place where you most need healing, your very heart….Dare to stay with your pain, and trust in God’s promise to you."