The Courage to Live

If an adult had described me a couple of years back, he or she would have said, "Jon is very mature for his age; he's responsible; he's dependable. He's the Eagle Scout who chairs the Eureka City Youth Council, an advisory board to the Eureka, California, City Council."

What they could not know was how depressed I was. In spring 1997, a personal problem seemed overwhelming. I can hardly describe the sadness. I stayed in my room and cried. I did the whole guy thing, thinking, "I can deal with this on my own; I don't need to share my feelings with others." I didn't talk to my family; I just cut off communication with the world. I wasn't interested in hanging out with my friends. After school, I would come home, go up to my room, and sleep for hours.

Depression is described as having blinders on, where you can't see the positive things in life. Once you're depressed about something, everything else is going to make you more depressed--even things that normally wouldn't get to you. It's a downward spiral. So it wasn't surprising that suicidal thoughts crossed my mind. I just wanted to end the pain.

I needed to talk to someone and get help. But I just couldn't--my problem was too personal to share. As hard as I tried, I couldn't make the intense pain go away. I was feeling worse each day, not better. Searching the web, I found a suicide prevention program called the Yellow Ribbon Program. I decided to e-mail them for more information.

That e-mail changed my life. The founders of the Light for Life Foundation, Dale and Dar Emme, started the Yellow Ribbon Program after their son, Michael, committed suicide. When I spoke with Dale, he told me of his son's death and how, through his program, he wanted to help other teens find a way to control their pain, not end their pain. I heard the passion in his voice when he told me about the Yellow Ribbon card.

The front has a yellow ribbon on it. The card reads: "THIS RIBBON IS A LIFELINE. It carries the message that there are those who care and will help! If you are in need and don't know how to ask for help, take this card to a counselor, teacher, clergy, parent or friend and say: 'I NEED TO USE MY YELLOW RIBBON.'"

The back of the card reads: "THIS CARD IS A CRY FOR HELP! STAY with the person--you are their lifeline! LISTEN, really listen--they may not be able to tell. GET them to or call someone who can help!"

I knew the community needed the program. Dale sent me information. I read through the materials and began to plan the proposal I was going to make to the Youth Council. I began to feel better. All of the negative energy, all of the things I'd built up inside of me, seemed to be diminishing. I was making something positive out of the sadness I'd been feeling.

In September 1997, I went to the Youth Council with the idea, and they were all supportive. We decided to plan a youth suicide prevention week during February 1998.

One morning in December, everything changed. I was sitting in my early-morning church class I go to before school, and our teacher said, "I have some news to tell you. Last night, Ricky Moses killed himself."

I just sat there in shock. It didn't really register at first. I didn't see him the day before, but everyone said he'd acted normal--just his regular self.

Ricky and I had gone to school together since elementary school. I thought about all of the different activities we had been involved in together through our church. I cried for Ricky. I wish I had known how much pain he was in. Maybe I could have helped him.

Here we were, planning the Yellow Ribbon Program for suicide prevention, and in the same week that we were scheduled to meet with counselors to discuss the details, Ricky took his life.

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