How to Let Go and Forgive

How To Let Go and Forgive

By Frank Desiderio, CSP

You've been hurt and you've got a grudge. The other person goes on with their life and you are stuck with a big corrosive resentment that's eating you up. Everybody says, "just let go!" But how do you do it? And why should you try?

Find out why to forgive and how to start.

Rev. Frank Desiderio, CSP, is a teacher and a spiritual guide. Through his work as priest, campus minister, preacher, chaplain, poet and producer of film, TV and radio, he strives to connect people with the experience of a loving God in mediums both secular and sacred.

He leads a national program of practical and transformational retreats and seminars focused on forgiveness, How to Let Go of a Grudge, based on the award-winning documentary he executive produced, The Big Question: A Film About Forgiveness.

Forgiveness Is Good for the Body and the Soul

We know that forgiveness is good for your body, mind and spirit. Studies show that forgiveness reduces stress, lowers blood pressure and reduces chronic pain. Forgiveness lessens symptoms of depression, anxiety and hopelessness. It improves our relationships and gives us a greater sense of wellbeing.

Christians forgive to stretch their soul, to be more like Jesus. In the prayer he taught us we say, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." Jesus then went on to make it an imperative for Christians, "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matt 6:15-16

Look Deeply to Move from Victim to Victor

We don't want to rehash the past endlessly; we want to come to an understanding of what happened that lets us move on with our lives.

Usually rather than looking deeply we look shallow and wide. The hurt seems to extend to the horizon of our lives. We need to put a fence around it, see that it is only so big.

Review what happened as objectively as you can. Are we making the person who hurt us the villain in our personal drama and ourselves the victim? When we demonize the other person we dehumanize them. When we see ourselves as just a victim we give up our power to change. We want to move from victim of an injury to victory over the hurt.

Ease into Empathy

This is the most important and difficult step. We are called try to find some common humanity with the perpetrator. We ask ourselves, what was going on in their head? Have I ever done anything similar?

Maybe the best we can do is pity. "That poor sick so-and-so." Or, perhaps, we can feel sympathy; "there but for the grace of God go I." Maybe we can even feel compassion; feel what they feel and want to help.

To forgive we have to see the humanity of the other person. They, like us, are fallible and imperfect. They are capable of acting out of fear and anger. Maybe they are mentally ill or truly immoral. If so, that is a tragedy. We are called to be someone who meets sickness and evil with faith and love.

Change Your Story

We can tell the story of the hurt done to us over and over again until we are in a rut that looks a lot like a grave. It's time to put down the shovel and get a ladder to climb out of the old story.

It helps to tell the story to a healer -- an insightful friend, a religious counselor, a professional therapist, someone who can help us to reframe the story and come to a new understanding.

We can also bring our story to God in prayer. We invite God in to re-mind us, that is, to give us a renewed mind. We want to see what happened from God's point of view because from God's perspective the story can end with healing.

Our stories shape our souls. A story that ends in bitterness and revenge is a tragedy. A story that ends in forgiveness is a redemption story. We see ourselves as overcoming adversity.

Forgiveness Is a Small Miracle

We can decide to forgive, even if we don't feel like it. The person doesn't deserve the gift of forgiveness, but we give it anyway. We make a free will decision to renounce our right to revenge and not to harbor hateful thoughts toward the other person.

The gift of forgiveness is a small miracle, a grace from God. We can do it because we have first have been forgiven by God.

After we make a decision then we can grow into emotional forgiveness. As we let go of our hurt feelings and don't seek revenge then we may find our feelings following our decision. We may start to feel more understanding toward the other person. We move from wanting revenge to hoping that they fare well in life. It helps to pray for the other person.

But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your heavenly Father. Matt 5:44

PrayFor The Person You Resent

One helpful way to develop empathy for the other person and to change our feelings about the other person is to pray for him or her. This prayer:

Opens you to God's power to help you.

Invokes God's help for the other person.

Demonstrates your willingness to forgive.

Softens your heart toward the other person.

Moves you from selfishness to generosity.

I've found there are stages of praying for the person I resent.

Admit I would rather curse him than pray for him.
Pray anyway, through gritted teeth.
Pray they get what they deserve.
Pray that God will give them what they need.
Pray God will bless them as God wants to bless them.

I make it a habit that whenever a revenge thought comes in my mind, I pray for the other person. I keep praying until malice turns to charity.

Focus on One day at a Time, Keep Forgiveness Strong

We let go of the hurt and hold onto the healing, but; the hurt may come back, especially when we interact with the perpetrator. When the hurt reasserts itself, we reassert our decision to forgive and pray for the person who hurt us.

Forgiveness is a daily decision and a way of life. Our goal is to become a more spiritual person, that is, someone who is growing into the image and likeness of God. The path of that spiritual growth is the way of forgiveness. Each day we take another step on that path; we develop a discipline of running up and down the five steps. Gradually, we find a way to serenity even in the midst of conflicts and personal tragedies.