Backsliding into Sexual Sin
It takes more than just declaring yourself a Christian to beat a sex addiction.
One morning, as [my wife] Kathy was at work and I was sitting around the house by myself, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the temptation to go down to an adult bookstore. I hadn't even considered indulging in sexual sin since the six-hour ordeal. The lustful thoughts kept persisting and growing in intensity. It was as if a demonic cloud of sensuality filled the apartment. Memories of things I had done and seen flooded my mind. A feeling of sensuality permeated my being.
For years I had lived my life for illicit sexual experiences. Sex had become a deeply rooted idol in my heart, a stronghold of the enemy. Although I was genuinely excited about Christianity, my newfound faith seemed to evaporate in the face of those temptations. They came with such force that my intentions to withstand them simply withered. This was so unexpected and happened so quickly that before I even knew it I was "being carried away" by my own lust. (James 1:14) I went down to the bookstore and gave over to sin.
After it was over, I left in total disgust, stunned by what I'd just done. It was unbelievable that I had walked right back into the old pigpen of perversion. "Lord, I never meant for this to happen," I wailed. I really wanted to live the Christian life. Because it had taken so much to even get me to the point of making that commitment, I had no intention of going back on it. So I couldn't understand how this had happened. I chalked up my failure to the fact that it came so unexpectedly and determined that it would never happen again. Yet, a few days later, the same scenario occurred. My complete inability to fight these urges left me terribly discouraged. Sexual sin became a looming mountain in my mind. I could not envision ever being able to scale that lofty peak but knew that going back was not an option either.
Fear of Kathy leaving me kept me from confessing my failures to her. Things were going well between us, but I knew her commitment to me was still fragile. Something like this could easily send her over the edge; so I dared not let her in on what was going on. This began a double life of secret sin and Christianity that would constitute my life for some time. I would white-knuckle it for a period and then fall flat on my face once again.