Healthy Ways to Process Your Anger by Margarita Tartakovsky l Positive Thinking l How to Have a Positive Outlook l Healthy Living Tips l Positive Ways to Process Anger l How to Deal With Anger l How to Deal With Anger Issues l Anger Management l Anger Man

Understand Anger

In order to process anger healthfully, it’s important to understand it. Anger is often a cloak. That’s because we typically feel another emotion before getting angry, according to Karmin, who pens the Psych Central blog “Anger Management.” We might feel fearful, hopeless, disrespected, disappointed or guilty, he said. “We use anger to protect or cover up these other vulnerable feelings.”

Anger has various benefits. It motivates change and encourages us to act, Karmin said. It “confirms individuality in childhood,” promoting separation and independence. It tells us we have a problem that needs to be solved, he said. It helps us protect ourselves from real threats, he added.

Try the STARR Approach

According to Karmin, the STARR approach consists of these five steps: stop to listen to your body, think to consider consequences, ask “what do I want?”, reduce or slow down, and reward or validate your efforts with self-care or positive self-talk.

Karmin shared this example: Melissa is angry because she’s swamped with extra responsibilities from her coworker calling in sick the last few days. The deadline for her quarterly report is quickly approaching. Using the STARR approach, she stops to consider the physical signs she’s feeling, which are fatigue and muscle tension. She considers the consequences of acting on her anger, which include a strained relationship with her coworker.

She then considers what she wants - help to complete her tasks. Next she uses deep breathing and talks to her manager about extending the deadline of her report or receiving temp staff for extra support. After work she gets a massage, takes a warm bath and repeats to herself “everything will be alright.”

Get Realistic

“The way we think has a lot to do with the way we feel,” Karmin said. “So changing your thoughts from a hateful, negative orientation to a calm, positive orientation becomes essential in managing feelings of hurt and insult.”

For instance, instead of exclaiming that your car is a piece of crap and you’re going to be freaking late, you might say: “OK. It’s a flat tire. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it. Let’s forget about being on time and just see about getting the tire changed. One thing at a time.”

Instead of saying, “What a jerk!!! He knows this was an important meeting! So why is he late? you might say, “Maybe there was a traffic accident. Maybe they had a flat tire. Who knows? We’ll find out soon.”

Focus on Your Happiness

We can prevent or lessen much of our anger by focusing on what we can control and cultivating our own happiness. This includes simply stopping the behaviors that make us unhappy, Karmin said.

He shared this example - “If nagging our partner about leaving their shoes in the hall pleases us, we are free to continue. If it turns out that we hate doing this, we are free to stop.” According to Karmin we might say, “It makes me angry when you do that, I would prefer that you pick up after yourself.”

If bad-mouthing your spouse pleases you, you can continue, he said. Again, if it doesn’t, you can choose to stop. Of course, this may not be so simple all the time. But it can help to reflect on what contributes to your anger and happiness, and make intentional choices.