Tips for Dealing with Autistic Children

Eight Tips to Increase Your Autism Awareness

He came up to me as I sat in the gymnasium. "Hi, I’m Eddie. What’s your name?" He’s asked me that a thousand times. "Where’s your hair?" he asked, pointing to my headscarf (another familiar question). But this time the questions took a different turn. He tried to tug my scarf off, he hit me on the arm. By that time his mom came and took charge of the situation. I calmly said, “Bye, Eddie!”

Eddie--like my son--has autism, a complex neurological and developmental disorder affecting 1 in 150 children. Chances are you know an autistic child or have encountered one somewhere. It’s not easy knowing what to do or how to respond to the quirks (or outbursts) of an autistic child. Want to learn some real autism awareness? These tips will help you navigate a world with an increasing number of special-needs kids. It’s tried-and-true advice from parents on the front line of autism.

By Dilshad D. Ali, Beliefnet editor

Reacting to an Autism Tantrum

Situation: Public tantrums are par for the course with children. How many of us have seen a kid have an outburst while their embarrassed parents try to get control? Well, ratchet that up a couple of notches for autistic kids. Their tantrums can get rough (like when my son let loose a banshee scream at the checkout line in Wal-Mart, stamping feet, trying to pinch and bite me. Why? Because I told him he could have the Kit Kat after we paid for it.)

Don’t …gape and stare at the child and parent, making “Can you believe that kid?” faces. And especially don’t make comments or tell the parent, “Can’t you control your kid?” or something unhelpful like that.

Do … ignore what’s happening in front of you. It’s not your business. Or if you catch the eye of the parent, give a smile or a sympathetic comment. And please forgive parents if their autistic child suddenly directs aggression toward you.

He Shouldn't Be in the Women's Bathroom!

Situation: Chances are you’ve visited a public bathroom and seen a mother and her son who looks way too old to be in the ladies' room. I’ve done it many times (and have gotten plenty of disgusted looks and under-the-breath comments). There are many autistic kids who cannot go to the bathroom by themselves. So moms have to accompany their sons and dads their daughters at times.

Don’t … do the obvious: Stare and show your disapproval. Don’t make snide comments, as a woman did at a travel center bathroom after I told her my son had autism and had to be supervised. (I nearly got my fight on that time!)

Do … just go about your business. Parents of autistic kids have resigned themselves to doing things outside the norm. We try to handle bathroom situations with as much quickness and modesty as possible. Cut us some slack.

Restaurant Wars

Situation: We call it "The French Fry and Booth Check." Meaning, when eating out, we don’t patronize a place unless it has a booth (where our son can sit and we can block him in). And we keep an eye out on all diners’ French fries before our order comes, lest our son try to eat someone else’s fries. We don’t want our child’s quirks to interrupt anyone’s dining pleasure, but it happens.

Don’t … be too upset if your meal is disrupted for some reason by that kid acting oddly at the next table or booth.

Do … wait it out. Most likely, whatever funny business is going on nearby will subside soon, or the parents will gather their brood and make a quick exit. Or, if you can go that extra mile, see if you can help out—like the couple who were kind enough to carry my friends’ things to her car as she was handling her two autistic sons both in the middle of meltdowns.

Too Close for Comfort

Situation: The thing about autism is that it manifests itself in myriad ways. Some autistic kids can't talk. Others are very communicative but cannot handle common social situations--they may get close to you without reason. There have been plenty of times when my child has impulsively hugged visitors to our house. My friend's child likes to randomly lie down on top of people, especially his younger sibling.

Don’t … immediately back off or reject the child. It’s hard to gauge how an autistic child will react if you show discomfort at having your personal space breached.

Do … remain calm and talk to the child. Ask him his name and how old he is to divert his attention. Keep your eyes peeled for his parent or caregiver, who will usually come to take charge of the situation. If things escalate, slowly remove yourself from the vicinity.

In the Parking Lot

Situation: Every autistic child has his own set of challenges and problems. Some are runners, meaning they randomly run away without any provocation. And this always seems to happen in a parking lot, where it’s obviously most dangerous.

Don’t … judge the parent. They’re trying their best to keep their child safe. Don’t honk your horn incessantly to express your anger or to draw attention to the runaway child. It could spook him.

Do … give one honk if you see a child dart off—it could help alert the parent to what has happened if they’re distracted. And if you can, try to signal to other cars to stop so that the parent can retrieve their child (or hold their shopping cart for them, if that helps).

The Inappropriate Comment

Situation: Autistic kids have developmental problems in the areas of socializing, communication, and behavior. Some cannot talk, and others who have normal speech may make inappropriate comments or randomly announce odd things. Ever heard a young child innocently proclaim someone is fat? It’s like that, but amplified.

Don’t … immediately reprimand the child. If you look a little closer, you may be able to tell if the child’s off-the-cuff remark is due to a developmental problem (look for clues like repetitive behavior or an abnormal inflection in the voice).

Do … take your cues from the child’s caregiver. If they simply lead the child away, then let it go. And if they instruct the child to apologize, don’t dismiss the apology. That apology could be part of the therapy being used to teach the child how to behave properly .

Just Plain Odd Behavior

Situation: My son’s a twirler—that means he loves to constantly twirl a string of metallic beads. My friend’s daughter makes guttural noises to calm herself down. It could be a sensory thing, or it could be that typical autism trait called "stimming," or perseverative behavior (when the child is stimulated by something).

Don’t … draw attention to the odd behaviors of an autistic child. It is simple advice, but it can be hard to do. People find it hard to look away when they see my kid, who is almost 9, still wanting to ride in the shopping cart as he twirls his beads. But I know when to make him walk and when to let him ride, for sanity’s sake. Just ignore us and move on.

Do … nothing. Really. There’s not much for you to do in this situation. Just go about your business. Or if you catch the eye of the child’s caregiver, just flash a smile. It can work wonders.

Acting Up at a House of Worship

Situation: This can be the hard one, because we all know that at any house of worship, especially during prayer service, parishioners must be respectful, often quiet, and properly following rituals--all things that can be very difficult for many autistic children. But we parents (who are religious) still want to go to the church, mosque, temple, or synagogue. So how should this be handled?

Don’t … immediately call out a parent if their autistic child acts up and disrupts the service. Again, if you take a minute to observe the child, you may be able to recognize that he has a disability rather than being a naughty kid. Parents usually inform their worship leader about their special-needs child and what might happen, as we do with the imam at the mosque we frequent.

Do … take a deep breath and give the parent some time to get control of the situation. If I’m in the middle of prayer at the mosque and my son starts running around in front of us (a no-no), I quickly finish the prayer before leading him out. And I’m grateful for the people around me who don’t say a word.